nausea weight loss during pregnancy | Stay at home momma

nausea weight loss during pregnancy

Washington DC December 2011

One of the things about being a stay-at-home mom is that you never get a break. There is no "lunch hour." I cant tell my kids, "Sorry, guys, Momma is on her half." No. It is a 24/7 job. And when things are rough is when I am needed most. My husband and I were talking the other day about what it is like when he comes home and asks "So, what did you guys do all day?" or "Have you packed my lunch yet?" He said that sometimes he thinks that I think (follow that?) he can do whatever he wants when he leaves the house, that his job isnt hard. I told him flat out no way. I think his job is exceptionally challenging. I know he works hard. I know he studies hard. I know he is under a lot of pressure. The key difference between his job now (college) and my job (stay-at-home mother) is that when hes stuck on a difficult problem he can take 5, go get a cup of coffee, and approach the problem with a cleared mind. He has other bonuses as well: he has adult interactions during the day, he gets affirmation that hes doing a good job (I would love someone telling me, "A+ work today!"), and his success is measured. Honestly, I think he works harder than I do. My job is like a stream running down a mountain. It is steady, daily work that few people notice, but that stream does have a purpose. I know that my job is important and I enjoy my job. But, man, there are days when you just cant catch a break. One child wakes up in a bad mood, the other wants to spend the entire day yanking down everything in sight while the first child screams whenever you put him down, and the preschooler asks over and over again, "When will he stop crying? Can we go ride bikes? Can we go on a walk? Can you play with me? Do you want to snuggle?" Those are the days that your husband calls and says, "Did you get my PT stuff washed?" Not only is the answer "no," but your dryer is full of now-wrinkly clothes and your washer is full and probably needs to get ran again on high heat so the clothes dont smell moldy. Plus you originally planned to make something for dinner that required 10 minutes of prep work and stirring-- not happening while children are screaming and clinging on you.

The hardest days for me are the ones where I am busy non-stop. Like when we have preschool drop off and pick up, doctors appointments, grocery shopping (even when it is just an online pick up-- still gotta put the groceries away!), maybe a playdate thrown in there, and laundry. And dishes. Always those blasted dishes. The toddlers are fussy. The preschooler is grouchy. The dog is wild. Im distracted. Or just getting a little cranky with kids hanging on me crying. And I do the best that I can all day. Giving the kids hugs and smiles. Trying to involve them in my chores and errands. Singing songs with them while we work or wait. I struggle through bedtime by myself. O doesnt want to do his medicine so we sing songs together for the entire nebulizer treatment. I keep telling C to stop pulling DVDs off the shelf. D doesnt want to go to bed when Daddy isnt home. The toddlers dont want to brush teeth; they want to yank everything out of the bathroom cupboards. No one wants to calm down for stories and prayers; they want to pull my hair and argue over my lap. I finally, finally, finally get them all down to bed to come out, pour a glass of wine, and start working my way through the dishes. Then I pick up all the toys around the house. Put all the loose socks I find in the hamper. Finally, finally, finally sit down on the couch to pet the dog and put my feet up when my husband walks in the door, "Hey, would you mind packing my lunch? I have a lot to get done tonight. I have a paper due at 11:30 pm." Whenever that happens I get an image in my mind of a cartoon balloon popping and flying through the air as it deflates.

It is hard to put into words what I do as a stay-at-home mom. I met up with a girlfriend of mine at the park today. We havent seen each other in a couple weeks. She says, "How have things been going since I saw you last?" And you think... wow. Miscarriage, vacation, Os asthma, day to day life with three kids... How do you express it all? I say, "Pretty good. You?" And I know shes thinking medical stresses with one of her children, life with three kids (kindergartner plus twins), husbands work schedule, day to day life... And she says, "Pretty good." And then we fill each other in. We both know how crazy our day to day life is. We both know how weve been stressing about our kids. We both know how hectic it is managing our kids around our husbands work schedule. But it is hard to put it in words. When we left the park, she had to go get her oldest from the bus. Mine was in the back of the car yelling, "I have to pee!" One of my toddlers was pouring a juice box in between his legs onto his car seat. Unloading the van at home, both toddlers sprinted down the driveway to the road. I put them down to nap while they kicked and screamed (and strangely calmed down during prayers). When I walked into the kitchen after putting them down to nap, I found my oldest at the table with permanent markers and glue sticks. The dog found an orange stuffed inside a shoe. Our days werent over-- or any easier-- after chasing toddlers around a park for a couple hours.

I think the best way to describe being a stay-at-home mom is "constant stimulation."

There is no compartmentalizing anything. You cant schedule the day and say, "Okay, kids. We are going to change diapers at 9:00 am, then breakfast from 9:15-9:30. After breakfast you can have 15 minutes of playtime while I clean up the dishes..." Even as I write this blog my oldest is saying, "Hey, Mom, look at all these stickers I have. Hey, Mom, when can I watch Dinosaur Train? Hey, Mom, does paint come out of hair? Hey, Mom, when is our dogs birthday?" And the diaper changing is constant. This morning O had a stinky diaper when he woke up. C had a stinky diaper after breakfast. O had another small stinky diaper while I was cleaning up breakfast, then another small stinky diaper before we did his breathing treatment. C went down for a short morning nap and then woke up with a stinky diaper! Including Cs wet diaper this morning and his wet diaper before morning nap, I changed 7 diapers before noon.

Picture taken by TwinBug Photography
at twinbugphotography@yahoo.com

This morning didnt go as planned. Not only did our plans fall through for this morning, but C woke up in a right little mood. He didnt want to sit in his high chair for breakfast. He didnt want to eat his breakfast after I convinced him to sit in his high chair. He didnt want me to put him down. And he didnt want to stop crying or fussing even when I was holding him. Eventually I just put him down for a nap. His eyes were closed before I finished saying prayers with him. When one child is acting this way, I still have other things I need to get done. I still need to get myself ready. I still need to make the other boys breakfast. I still need to feed the dog. I still need to get D to preschool on time (or as close to on time as possible!). Life doesnt just pause because one of the children would rather spend the morning crying in my lap.

If youve read my tab, "How do you do it?", you will have already seen this:

As much as I love my job, sometimes I feel insecure about whether or not I am "doing the right thing." There is so much going on, from supporting my husband in his career to being a full-time "domestic engineer." Sometimes I wish someone would come by the house and say, "You know how your little guy has the same tantrum everyday for the same reason? Well, you are handling it the right way. You are doing such a great job being loving, yet firm. In about two months he will grow out of that and you will have instilled a great lesson in him. And, by the way, you should wait a month or two after you get your orders before you move. Your husband can help you move then and your oldest will easily transfer kindergartens. Keep up the good work." But there is no one knocking on my door letting me know whether or not we are making the right parenting decisions.

Sometimes the hardest thing about being a stay-at-home mom is that you get no credit. Your kids dont thank you for changing their diapers; they actually fight you tooth and nail the entire diaper change. Your husband probably wont notice that you finished the laundry (unless you are like me and really behind on the laundry). In fact, most of the time, the only feedback you get is negative. I dont think my husband realizes what hes saying when he asks, "When will you get the grocery shopping done? Id really love some extra things for my lunch." I dont think he means anything when he says, "When will the laundry be done?" And I know my preschooler isnt making statements about my parenting when he begs to go outside on a beautiful day or asks me to read him a story while Im cooking dinner (always breaks my heart when he asks to do things I would love to do with him but cant for one reason or another). And I know my toddlers arent trying to make me look like a bad mom when they repeatedly yank everything off shelves or throw tantrums when I tell them no or flail in shopping carts. And all those wonderful strangers that like to give me parenting advice while we are out in public-- gotta love them. I know all of this isnt a report card on my ability to be a stay-at-home mom, but it sure is frustrating to see no progress and somehow makes me feel like Im failing on some level.

Sometimes things just dont pan out like I would like them to. Sometimes the toddlers are sick and I cant take them outside. Sometimes the day is too busy for me to get the grocery shopping done. Sometimes I start laundry and totally forget about it because my day is out of control.

Most of the time, I have a valid reason why something doesnt get done. I am, after all, one person. My to-do list is never completed. At the moment, we are going through all those dark corners in our house that junk collects so that we are prepared for our move to South Carolina (when it eventually happens). But you know what? Sometimes my to-do list doesnt get done because I need a break. I dont think that just because you stay home with the kids means you have to work like an indentured servant. There are times when I take more breaks than other times. For instance, when the kids are sick-- one or all of them-- I do no work at nap time that doesnt have to get done. I dont get the house back up to "visitor standards;" I leave the toys all over the floor and I try to rest before they wake up again. If I feel myself just losing patience or feeling exhausted, especially during this last pregnancy, I follow the same rule. On a regular day, like today, I give myself an hour or two. I pick things up so I dont have a whole days worth of mess to clean up later. I prep dinner so Im not doing all the prep work after the toddlers wake up from nap. But then, I do something I want to do, even if there is more work to be done. Our preschooler has some quiet time (right now hes doing art) and I have some "me time." Most days I read. Some days I catch up on the Bachelor. Today Im blogging.

But my time is up. The laundry needs to be moved. The dishes need to be done. Dinner needs to get in the oven. The toddlers will be up in T minus 60 minutes...

How do you deal with the challenges of being a stay at home parent?

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weight loss during ninth month of pregnancy | Youve got a friend in me

weight loss during ninth month of pregnancy

One of the things you hear often that first year with twins is how great it is they have each other. I would say that for most of the first year, C and O did not notice each other by any great stretch of the imagination. I do think that they enjoyed the comfort of sleeping next to each other (we had them in the same bassinet for the first couple months and then in the same crib until about six or seven months). I felt sometimes that having both of them in the same room, even when they were in separate cribs, helped keep them entertained for a bit in the mornings when they woke up and after nap. But then I would wonder if they were so content to play in their cribs because we taught them to do so; I never rushed in the moment I heard them wake up (Bringing Up Bebe would say that is the "wait"). After they started walking, I noticed them interact more. Most of the time it would be toy stealing-- angry-- or playing quietly-- not so much playing with each other but playing contently in the same room with their own toys. Now, my boys are a little delayed with their vocabulary, so perhaps other kids their age started interacting earlier. When they started walking well, they would play a chase game with their older brother. I sat on the floor and they would all giggle and run back and forth across the room to me. Sometimes they would play peekaboo, with me or just with each other. It was cute how the peekaboo games started. Sometimes they would start by total accident. One of the toddlers would be crawling underneath the kitchen table and the other toddler would peek beneath the chair legs at his brother. This would start them giggling so then they would cover their faces and do it again, and again, and again. Other times, the games started intentionally. One toddler would be sitting and playing blocks. The other toddler would come over and sit down in front of him, cover his face, and start giggling, like, "Play peekaboo with me! Isnt it silly?"

I do think they love each other, just as they love their Mommy and Daddy and older brother (and the dog). But it has more been surprised delight when the other infant made an appearance, "Ah, yes, you again! Im so happy you are here for tummy time!" Ive noticed it has been similar to our oldests first couple years when my husband was underway so often. He didnt quite get that it was Daddy who was gone, but he knew someone was gone... and it threw him off a bit... and he was always happy when Daddy showed up again.

?The past couple months, however, have been different. C sleeps much more than O. I take O out of the room when he wakes up and let him come play with his older brother D and sit with me. When C wakes up, O will sprint to the baby gate and try to say his brothers name. It is adorable. If I leave the baby gate open (we have a ranch style home), O will take off down the hallway, even if C is happily sleeping, and sneak into their shared bedroom to check on C. Ive found him quietly playing next to Cs crib or poking his hands in between the rails while saying his brothers name. I feel like he wonders what his brother is doing since he himself isnt napping.

C has taken to calling O "brother." (They actually both say "brother." I dont know if it is because everyone we meet says "brother" to them, but they call each other "brother" and call their older brother D by his name.) The other day I was getting ready in my bedroom, on the other side of the baby gate down the hallway. I heard C yelling at the gate (yes, I can tell apart their cries). As I came closer I heard him saying "Brofer! Brofer!" and pointing energetically toward the sunroom. I open the gate and he took off running as fast as his little legs would take him. He stopped in the sunroom doorway and yelled, "Brofer!" pointing into the sunroom. I walked in the sunroom to find O crying over a pile of stacking blocks. He was frustrated with the blocks because he was trying to stack together chunky Legos with Duplos. I helped O sort out his blocks, stacking the right kinds together. C squealed with delight, happy I helped O solve his problem, and then ran over to play at the train table. My sister said he was a toddler Old Yeller, "Whats that, boy? O cant get his blocks straight?" It was adorable.

When we pray at the table, they must hold hands with each other. Toddlers sometimes have a hard time sorting out the logistics of things. "If Im holding a fork and eating my dinner.... how do I hold his hand?" But they furrow a brow and either switch hands holding the fork, freeing a hand to hold their brothers, or they set the fork down all together to hold hands. They imitate each other. If one of them puts a napkin on his head, the other must do so as well; this leads to peals of laughter. If one of them starts doing a silly dance because he is excited about something ("Sweet! Bananas for breakfast!") then the other one does so as well. It is sweet watching them work together to stack blocks or make a train on the train table or struggle to take off each others shoes.

Their imitation is not limited to each other. They try to do what their older brother D is doing as well as imitating me and their daddy. They get frustrated sometimes imitating D. Hell be hitting t-ball in the backyard and they cant figure out how its done and really want to do it. Or hell be driving the John Deere tractor and they cant reach the peddles (not that I would allow them to drive it! Yikes!). He also has lots of toys with small pieces that are so fascinating to them-- that I dont let them near due to choking hazards-- which endear the toys to them more (Playmobile playsets, for instance). They just always want to see what D is doing, if hes putting together a puzzle, or watching cartoons, or drawing at the table. They climb in the chair with him, follow behind him, snuggle up on the couch beside him. Sometimes it is too much for him, like when hes making a puzzle and they come over to kick the pieces around or climb in his chair making no room for him. They watch him while they are in their high chairs eating snack and scream to get out when he sits down with a toy. They also watch me and want to do what Im doing, unloading the dishwasher, doing the laundry, making dinner. They cook in their little kitchen and bring over samples for me to try. If I sit down, they want to crawl in my lap. O will bring a book for me to read to him; C will crawl in my lap with his Batcho and suck his thumb while I read my own book.

They are helpful and sweet as well. When it is time for Os medicine, both C and D will get toys for O to hold while he sits with the nebulizer. The other two boys will put a blanket on Os legs; D does a dance to distract O on days that O just doesnt want to do the nebulizer. If one of the toddlers starts crying, someone will bring him his favorite blanket, either the other toddler or their older brother. When I sit down on the couch, O runs to the blanket bin and pulls out a blanket for me and tries to put it in my lap. It is very obvious now that they are aware of the other family members and not just themselves. They ask about the other family members that arent in the room, Dadda when hes at work or Brother when one of them is sleeping, and seek them out when they arent immediately found, "Dadda is at school and wont be home until dinner. Your brother is taking a nap and will be out in a little while." They pat each other and their older brother on the head when someone starts crying. They know what "gentle" means and gently pet each other. (My favorite is when they call each other "baby," like they arent the same age...?)

?We heard it a lot the first year, "How lucky they will have each other!" "So much fun to have a built in playmate!" Maybe those people were speaking from experience or maybe they were just saying that because our toddlers are twins. There are many days when the built-in playmate is just a built-in battle; toddlers are willing to put it all on the line for a desired toy. But then there are many days that they have someone to play peekaboo with at the check out stand or to talk to in their crib while I make myself a cup of coffee in the morning before getting them out. And while they do enjoy playing with their older brother, they have someone to play with who is at the same age level as them, a fellow toddler whos interests are the same. ("Lets not stack the blocks; lets throw the blocks.") You know, up until about 20 months it was pretty much like having two separate toddlers throwing two separate tantrums on me. Now at least they are two toddlers throwing a tantrum over the same toy or two toddlers throwing a tantrum because his brother wasnt doing what he wanted.

Other blog posts on twin toddlerhood:

• "Tuesday afternoon is never ending"
• "Twin toddlerhood"
• "Calling twins!"
• "Jigsaw puzzle"
• "Pictures of the boys"
• "You know you are a twin mom when..."
• "Do as the toddlers do"
• "Identical brothers"

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