weight loss during 9th month pregnancy | Marriage

weight loss during 9th month pregnancy

One of the facts that people, for some reason, like to quote to pregnant women of twins is that the divorce rate for parents of multiples is higher. Im not sure how true that is. I did some Google searching a found a couple articles and blog posts supporting that:

• "Parents of Twins, Triplets, Quadruplets, and More Need to Strike a Balance" in the Post-Gazette.com
• "Association Between the Birth of Twins and Parental Divorce" by NIH in the US National Library of Medicine
• "Parents of Twins Slightly More Likely to Divorce" by Genevra Pittman in Reuters

Now, there are a lot of articles out there and a lot of conflicting articles and blog posts, for instance, "Do Parents of Multiples Have a Higher Divorce Rate?" posted by TwinsTalk.

I still hear this statistic now, though not as often. Perhaps people feel much more comfortable sharing bad news when there arent little baby faces looking at them. Regardless, parenting twins is stressful. I said before in my blog post "Comments" that  parenting is hard. It is really hard to talk things out when suddenly there is a diaper explosion or a baby falls down and gets hurt. Things get taken the wrong way when they cant be discussed. Someone says something in a tone that doesnt sit well, but your attention is drawn away by the needs of your child. Hours later you bring up what happened and how it made you feel and your spouse is offended that you are still dwelling on it or that you are bringing this up now.

Im not saying this in a way against my husband; we both do his equally. Some days I feel like he isnt thinking about how I feel or how he comes across. Some days he feels the same way about me. With twins we have an endless amount of dirty diapers, especially the first year or so. After being the only one changing diapers all day, you start snapping at your spouse to change a diaper or two, only to discover your spouse feels the same way, that he was the only one changing diapers all day. There is a huge opportunity for miscommunication or missed signals. A sweet gesture is lost as a child hurls in your lap or your hair gets pulled for the 8,000 time in the day or two toddlers get into a knock down drag out. Your tone gets short to your spouse after telling your three boys to keep their hands to themselves again (and again and again).

Communication is hard. It is even harder when conversations have to wait because we dont want to say certain things in front of little ears or because we keep getting interrupted. None of this has to do with the kids doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary. They are children, upset because they feel the tension or oblivious to their parents disagreement-- either way, they dont really grasp that Momma and Daddy just need 10 minutes without interruption.

In most of the twin books, it says you should have a regular date night with your spouse. I dont really agree with that. Not that I dont think date night is needed, but I found that, for us, we feel more connected when we give each other the benefit of the doubt on a day to day basis instead of an obligatory date night each week or month. Dont get me wrong; I love our date nights, when we can get out without the kids, even if we just end up getting hot dogs at Costco before grocery shopping together. Those date nights arent fun though if you are harboring hurt feelings or wishing your spouse would "do more."

Im 100%  not saying we have a bad marriage or are near divorce. In fact, nowhere near that. I love our marriage and I cant imagine my life without my husband. He is my best friend, my safe place, my soul mate, my partner in crime, my fellow adventurer on this crazy life we have chosen. We feel like we are "home" when we are together. I am head over heels for that man and he for me. What Im saying is marriage is hard. Especially when you have children. Especially when two of those children are two-year old twins.

Sometimes when we find ourselves going down the ridiculous path of arguing-- arguing because we are frustrated-- I just want to put on the brakes, and we often do. We say, "Why are we fighting?" Often times we are fighting because we feel irritated. Irritated because there are children crying, the dog is barking, dinner is late, we are hungry, your spouse didnt put the diapers in the trash and a toddler is running away holding it, you forgot to make that phone call your spouse needed you to make that day-- the list is endless. And then there is your spouse saying, "When will dinner be ready?" or "Could you please change this diaper?" or whatever it is and suddenly there is a full-blown argument all because you had way too much stimulation, too many variables to figure out, too many needs to address at once. Worse, when it isnt an argument but hurt feelings and snappy words.

Bottom line: all we are saying is give peace a chance.

We ebb and flow. Sometimes we just know, "Man, the kids are at a crazy phase!" and we work together. Other times the phase creeps up on us and we are pulling against each other. Things that worked last week dont work this week. Our schedule is thrown off. What has happened for us lately is that our toddlers have really embraced the age two, yelling "Mine" and "No" at every opportunity. They are crawling out of their cribs, forcing us to transition to toddler beds. Weve had so many changes overnight on top of summer travel plans and an upcoming move. Life happens. It can be hard to remember that this is only a season of our life when we have two two-year olds screaming because they wont nap in the new sleeping arrangement and we desperately need to make a grocery run. We forget to be a team. We forget that one day in the not-so-distant future we will look back on these days and wonder where they went.

Im blessed with such a wonderful and understanding husband. Both of us want to enjoy this life we have together and both of us care enough to admit we are wrong, let the other person be right, cut an argument short and hug it out instead. We plan date night/movie nights after a busy week where we pop a big bowl of popcorn and pick up a Redbox. We do backyard BBQs with the family, turning on the sprinklers and pulling out the water table so the boys will play, relaxing on our patio furniture with cold beers and discussing our week. We purposefully turn off our electronics-- turn off the TV and go outside and play, leave the laptop closed and let the emails pile up, ditch the phones so we arent texting or making phone calls. We like looking at each other while we talk and setting an example for our kids who are growing up in a digital age (read my blog post "Toddler technology"). I do a lot of multi-tasking as a mother of three and wife to a sailor, but sometimes listening is done best when you arent multi-tasking. We also really make an effort to hear each other out, which often comes down to understanding we are different people that feel differently about different things. Live and let live.

After getting home from a week long vacation with the boys (read my blog post "Impossible") and unpacking all our luggage, my hubby and I were tense. We argued the whole time we got ready for our concert on Saturday night. Ten minutes before the baby-sitter arrived, we didnt even know if we wanted to go anymore. The toddlers were screaming due to missing nap. Our preschooler was hungry. I wasnt ready. But he urged me along and said, "Lets just go." I got ready quickly and managed to get out of the house shortly after the sitter arrived. By the time Brad Paisley came on we were holding hands and dancing together. The stress of getting things done with small children was forgotten and the petty arguments we had before leaving felt so distant. Even better, when we got home, the sitter said the kids behaved wonderfully for her. Ah, we needed that. We needed a night out just the two of us.

I dont have a good way to wrap this up. I dont think it can just be wrapped up and filed away. Marriage is a constant work in progress. Just when we get in the hang of parenting two two-year olds, I will be starting to homeschool our oldest in 5-year old preschool. Just when we get in the hang of homeschooling, my hubby will be assigned to a boat. And boat life is totally different than the life we have been living for the past three years (read my blog post, "STA-21 officers program"). Plus we have at least two moves ahead of us in the next year or so and every military family knows how much fun PCSing is. At the end of the day, we are two Christian adults who have chosen to live our lives together and to love each other in a way that is uplifting to our faith and good examples to our children. We can only do that if we honestly admit our faults and faithfully submit ourselves to God and each other.

I pray Philippians 1:9-10 all the time because I love how it puts things in perspective:

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ-- to the glory and praise of God.

Most of the time I start praying that for my husband and find that I need that prayer applied to myself more. The other verse in Philippians that really keeps me grounded is Philippians 1:27a, "Whatever happens conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ." Who can say they always live up to that one?

I know it is cliche, but these verses remind me of what love really is about. Love isnt about who changed more diapers or what you made for dinner or how many presents you bought your kids at their birthday party. No, 1 Corinthians 12:4-8a:

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

I read those verses and think of how much more beautiful our marriage would be if I demonstrated that form of love always, not just when things are going well.

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what does weight loss during pregnancy mean

Picture taken by TwinBug Photography at twinbugphotography@yahoo.com

It is inevitable to hear comments from strangers when going out with the kids. Some of them are well-meaning, "Youve got your hands full!" or "Wow! Are they twins?" Some of them do not make much sense, "Better you than me!" or "You need to find a hobby!" This past week I was going into the grocery store with the toddlers. They are happier riding in the double shopping cart that looks like a race car (nothing like grocery store cookies and steering wheels to keep them happy while I shop!). However, this meant getting them to walk into the store. And, of course, instead of walking, they were holding my hands with one hand and attempting to grab my legs with the other, all while wailing loudly. It was a slow, slow, slow process heading into the store. Eventually one of the toddlers won. I couldnt make it any further with two toddlers holding onto my legs while melting down in the parking lot, so I scooped one of them up and managed to get the other toddler to walk and scream-- but still walk. A woman walking out (wearing a gorgeous tunic top) says to the man candy walking next to her, "I always wanted twins... but now I dont!" And points in my direction. Thanks, lady. Im glad I cleared up your reproductive crisis!

Another comment I still get all the time-- the toddlers are now two-- is, "You looks so good for having twins-- and all boys!" I feel like this is supposed to be a compliment, but I also feel like I maybe dont look as good as the rest of population? That people without twins look better than me? That moms of girls dress cuter? That the amount of excess skin on my stomach is okay because I had twins? Im not sure. I like compliments though and so I insist on taking it as a compliment. I always say thank you, but walk away wishing I wasnt wearing capri pants and ballet flats with my hair in a ponytail.

I really think people are well-meaning. I truly, truly do. I dont think people are trying to come across as rudely as they do sometimes. I dont think people always think about what they are saying. I dont think they are always passing deep judgements on my life choices. And, I dont think their opinion matters regardless of whether they are or not.

Before I had twins, I was a military wife of a singleton. My husband was gone all the time. Our son was a breath holder. If you are a parent of a breath holder, you know how challenging that is. He started holding his breath at 6-weeks old during diaper changes and continued holding his breath until he was just over three. He passed out from breath holding and had 2 seizures due to breath holding episodes (all followed up with our doctor). I PCSd with him twice by myself. One of these times, I went to Target to get some groceries and things I needed for the house. He decides at the check out to throw a fit and start breath holding. Thankfully she was almost done ringing me up and I was able to pull my shopping cart to the side while he turned bluer and bluer. I was standing by the cart return and his little body was completely rigid-- almost in a circle with his feet approaching his head. I had a shopping cart loaded with groceries, toilet paper, hand soap, and bath towels, and this man walks over to tell me that back in his day, if a child acted like that, their mothers wouldnt stand around coddling them. My jaw dropped. Really? I had no clever reply, just an overwhelming feeling that he wouldnt have said that if he knew my situation.

And I hear countless comments about being a military family, from "You chose this" to "I dont think military families deserve any special treatment" and "I dont believe in war." The political comments I completely disregard. I am not getting into any political debates with people. How they feel is how they feel and if they want to let a military wife know that they feel her husbands ready and willing sacrifice for the very country they live in is vain, Lord help them. The comments about us receiving special treatment, I sometimes defend. I dont think people always realize what goes into being a military family. Most of the time I dont defend it, especially if it is more of a debate than an inquisitive statement. If they are my friends, in time they will see why places offer a military discount from the sacrifices we make daily. As for the "you chose this" statement, most of the time, this statement is made in love-- friends or family trying to get me to rally when Im struggling with one hiccup or another. I look at the intention not the statement. I dont know if anyone can fully understand every sacrifice they will have to make of any choices they make-- the choice to go to college, the choice to have children, the choice to take a chance and make friends with the new girl, the choice to fall in love with a sailor. Someone has to make the choice to be in the military. If no one made the choice, the choice would be taken from us and we would have a draft. I am thankful for our troops and the lives they have chosen to defend our freedom. I would make the choice to fall in love with my husband all over again any day-- military or not. I love the man, not the uniform, and I accept the many challenges of his job. (Okay, I do love the uniform-- makes me weak in the knees every time I see it on him!)

I dont think the answer is always people "minding their own business," though they really ought to refrain from making personal comments to strangers. I like talking to people. I get out of the house to have interactions with the outside world. That is why we sit at the park for hours and why I go to the mall or the childrens museum or hang out in our front yard. Overly personal remarks dont have to be answered. A worker at a fast food chain once asked me if it "hurt more" to have twins or a singleton; I reported her to the manager. People just trying to be friendly dont have to be given long periods of time to give me their family history, "Do twins run in your family? Twins run in mine. My aunt had twins, my sister had twins, my second cousins daughter had twins..." I smile and say, "Thats wonderful!" before moving on with the stroller Im pushing with one hand and the shopping cart Im dragging with the other. From my experience of actually trying to educate people on twinning, I can tell you they really dont care. People will ask if mine are identical or fraternal. I tell them identical and they say identical twins run in their family. Or that their husband is a fraternal twin and they are worried they will have twins. (Read my blog post "Identical or fraternal [updated].") When I start explaining, "Well, your husband being a fraternal twin wont affect your ovulation..." their eyes glass over. Really, they are just making small talk, filling the air with words, making a personal connection on their trip out to the store. I just smile now and say something nice. There is no reason to stay and chat unless I am also enjoying the conversation. Im usually out with three kids; I couldnt talk long anyways, standing still in an aisle at Target.

And, honestly, parents of multiples arent above these comments themselves. Im not above them. I told a mom of triplets that I knew a mom who had an older child and triplets, could she imagine how hard that would be? Doh! I asked two separate women if they had twins-- they were pushing double strollers with two kids about the same size in them-- and they said no. One was a nanny for two different families, one watched her daughter and her best friends daughter during the week. Ive asked many twin moms, "Oh, twins?" and they brush me off. I hear all sorts of misguided statements from moms of multiples that I end up chatting with. One mom told me that she just knew she would have twins because twins run on her husbands side of the family, disregarding that she just told me she did fertility treatments. Lots of multiple moms I bump into jump on the "whos who" game with my identical twins even after we were just talking about how we want our children to be treated as individuals, "I just dont know how you tell them apart! How do you tell them apart?" One mom followed me around the mall play area one time when my mom was visiting, "People always bother me when Im out with my triplets. I just want to tell them, They are triplets! Get over it! They just wont leave me alone. So they are twins? How old are they? How do you tell them apart?" My mom and I just stared at her.

Picture taken by TwinBug Photography at twinbugphotography@yahoo.com

Multiples are fascinating. They are adorable. It is so cute to see these two toddlers of mine who look so much alike hug each other, comfort each other, hit each other, fight with each other. It is so cute to see them imitate everything their big brother does, "Mom! I told them not to follow me!" They look like little ducks following after him. I love when the old ladies come over to ooh and ahh over them, telling me how well-behaved they are (we dont hear that so much now-- haha!) and how handsome they are (they may not be well-behaved, but they are cute). I get the fascination. Ive also had the experience of going out with a singleton. I know people just love talking to babies. People would stop me all the time when I was out with my oldest to tell me that he was the most beautiful baby girl they had ever seen (thank you, but he is a boy...). When we lived in Hawaii, we had countless tourists ask to take pictures of him-- seriously. For all I know, he is a celebrity in Japan. One baby is cute. Two babies are irresistible. Three babies... well, bring a jar with you and start asking people to pay for pictures with the kids. You might pay for their college. :)

Recently I went into a small sandwich shop with my three boys. I planted them at a table while I ordered our food and filled our drinks. I wrangled the toddlers into high chairs and kept a big supply of napkins close. A mom came in with her hubby and almost 3-year old son. She awkwardly held her son while she ordered and filled her drink, and picked him back up again when she went to the counter to get their food even though her husband was sitting at a table. She wiped down their table with Wet Ones, ripped up each bite her son was going to eat, held his drink for him every time he was thirsty, and barely touched her own food. She leans over and whispers loudly to her husband, "Omigosh! Can you even imagine having twins?" and points over at me. While I felt her level of hovering was a little intense for her son and I never reached that extent even when I just had one child, I get where she is coming from. I cant imagine doing what she was doing times two. I wanted to tell her, "Lady, I just dont do any of that." Most moms of multiples realize what is realistic and what is frivolous pretty quickly. There are many things you just cant do with multiples, with more than one child, or a life outside of the home. Motherhood is about balance. (Recommended reading: Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Art of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman.)

I read in a twin publication the other day that having twins isnt harder than having one child, just different. I agree, especially when comparing having your first baby-- motherhood is a transition and constant learning process-- or siblings-- the challenge of having children different ages. I think what these people are saying-- family, friends, and strangers-- is that parenting is hard. Parenting one child is hard and so, from their perspective, parenting twins is that much harder. In some ways, I agree there are things that are harder about having twins-- two newborn feeding schedules, two one-year olds learning to walk, two two-year olds refusing to get in their car seats, two three-year olds resisting potty training, two four-year olds entering preschool. In other ways, especially as they have become more mobile, having twins has been a blessing. While they may both be tearing apart my family room, they are entertaining each other. There was someone to do tummy time with and someone to talk to first thing in the morning when they wake up, giving me an extra minute to brew a cup of coffee. (Read this blog post by "A Beautiful Ruckus," written by a mother to quadruplets, called "5 Things I Dont Know as a Multiples Mom" for other benefits of having multiples.) I can tell you from experience, I have much more conflicts between the different age groups of my children than between the twins, for instance, the preschooler and a toddler compared to the two toddlers.

Some of the comments I hear make me laugh, some because I cant believe a stranger would say that to another stranger or because someone could really think because a second cousins wifes sister had twins their chance of having twins is somehow higher. Some comments irritate or frustrate me, mostly due to timing. If you see that I have twins and both of them are screaming while my four-year old is attempting to push our shopping cart into the parking lot, why would you think that is a good time to start up a conversation about whether my twins are "natural" or not? Some questions I am tired of, like how we tell them apart. It sounds silly, but I dont see why strangers need to know how we tell them apart-- it isnt like they are going to see us again-- and I dont want the boys hearing every time we go out, "How can you tell who is who?" as if they are a circus act. I dont mind people saying, "Wow! They must be identical?" or "They really are identical, arent they?" I just dont like when strangers start making a game of not being able to tell apart these two babies that they just met, "Seriously! Whats the trick? How do you tell them apart?" I also dont like when people wont go away. My husband and I went to the park the other day and this woman wouldnt let us be. She kept interrupting our conversation to ask twin questions when we were clearly talking to each other and hovered the entire time we were there. We eventually left because we couldnt shake her. (My favorite piece of advice from her: "People tell you it gets easier. Well, it gets so much harder that you will wish for the first year because it just goes downhill from there." Thank you, optimistic stranger!) I also will never understand hurtful and mean comments. I overheard someone loudly and angrily asking a woman to tell her clearly disabled daughter to stop yelling inside (I ran over as quick as I could to help the woman out). A man once told me to take my "poor children" home when both toddlers were throwing tantrums while we waited in line at the check out. But whatever the comments are-- silly, ill-timed, repetitive, or rude-- I dont take them to heart and I make a conscious effort to reply politely. I want my boys to grow up able to gracefully handle whatever situation they find themselves in.

Im taking the well-meaning comments as a pat on the back. Im proud of my husband and being a military wife. Im proud of my three beautiful boys. Im proud of these two toddlers that have been such a fun blessing in our lives. If strangers feel the need to "open mouth, insert foot" when I walk by with a preschooler and twin toddlers wearing matching patriotic t-shirts, I hope they walk away smiling because meeting my precious children brightened their day.

A blog post about parenting identical twins: "Identical brothers"

A blog post about moms supporting moms: "We are moms"

NOTE FOR OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY: I do not mind you asking who is who! :) I know my boys are identical. When I am talking about the "who is who" game, Im talking about the strangers-- people we dont know-- approaching us while Im out in public and getting down in the toddlers faces, looking back and forth, back and forth, before declaring, "Okay! I give up! Whats the trick? How do you tell them apart?" I absolutely do not mind when you, people we know, want me to identify who is who.

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