weight loss during 9th month pregnancy | Marriage

weight loss during 9th month pregnancy

One of the facts that people, for some reason, like to quote to pregnant women of twins is that the divorce rate for parents of multiples is higher. Im not sure how true that is. I did some Google searching a found a couple articles and blog posts supporting that:

• "Parents of Twins, Triplets, Quadruplets, and More Need to Strike a Balance" in the Post-Gazette.com
• "Association Between the Birth of Twins and Parental Divorce" by NIH in the US National Library of Medicine
• "Parents of Twins Slightly More Likely to Divorce" by Genevra Pittman in Reuters

Now, there are a lot of articles out there and a lot of conflicting articles and blog posts, for instance, "Do Parents of Multiples Have a Higher Divorce Rate?" posted by TwinsTalk.

I still hear this statistic now, though not as often. Perhaps people feel much more comfortable sharing bad news when there arent little baby faces looking at them. Regardless, parenting twins is stressful. I said before in my blog post "Comments" that  parenting is hard. It is really hard to talk things out when suddenly there is a diaper explosion or a baby falls down and gets hurt. Things get taken the wrong way when they cant be discussed. Someone says something in a tone that doesnt sit well, but your attention is drawn away by the needs of your child. Hours later you bring up what happened and how it made you feel and your spouse is offended that you are still dwelling on it or that you are bringing this up now.

Im not saying this in a way against my husband; we both do his equally. Some days I feel like he isnt thinking about how I feel or how he comes across. Some days he feels the same way about me. With twins we have an endless amount of dirty diapers, especially the first year or so. After being the only one changing diapers all day, you start snapping at your spouse to change a diaper or two, only to discover your spouse feels the same way, that he was the only one changing diapers all day. There is a huge opportunity for miscommunication or missed signals. A sweet gesture is lost as a child hurls in your lap or your hair gets pulled for the 8,000 time in the day or two toddlers get into a knock down drag out. Your tone gets short to your spouse after telling your three boys to keep their hands to themselves again (and again and again).

Communication is hard. It is even harder when conversations have to wait because we dont want to say certain things in front of little ears or because we keep getting interrupted. None of this has to do with the kids doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary. They are children, upset because they feel the tension or oblivious to their parents disagreement-- either way, they dont really grasp that Momma and Daddy just need 10 minutes without interruption.

In most of the twin books, it says you should have a regular date night with your spouse. I dont really agree with that. Not that I dont think date night is needed, but I found that, for us, we feel more connected when we give each other the benefit of the doubt on a day to day basis instead of an obligatory date night each week or month. Dont get me wrong; I love our date nights, when we can get out without the kids, even if we just end up getting hot dogs at Costco before grocery shopping together. Those date nights arent fun though if you are harboring hurt feelings or wishing your spouse would "do more."

Im 100%  not saying we have a bad marriage or are near divorce. In fact, nowhere near that. I love our marriage and I cant imagine my life without my husband. He is my best friend, my safe place, my soul mate, my partner in crime, my fellow adventurer on this crazy life we have chosen. We feel like we are "home" when we are together. I am head over heels for that man and he for me. What Im saying is marriage is hard. Especially when you have children. Especially when two of those children are two-year old twins.

Sometimes when we find ourselves going down the ridiculous path of arguing-- arguing because we are frustrated-- I just want to put on the brakes, and we often do. We say, "Why are we fighting?" Often times we are fighting because we feel irritated. Irritated because there are children crying, the dog is barking, dinner is late, we are hungry, your spouse didnt put the diapers in the trash and a toddler is running away holding it, you forgot to make that phone call your spouse needed you to make that day-- the list is endless. And then there is your spouse saying, "When will dinner be ready?" or "Could you please change this diaper?" or whatever it is and suddenly there is a full-blown argument all because you had way too much stimulation, too many variables to figure out, too many needs to address at once. Worse, when it isnt an argument but hurt feelings and snappy words.

Bottom line: all we are saying is give peace a chance.

We ebb and flow. Sometimes we just know, "Man, the kids are at a crazy phase!" and we work together. Other times the phase creeps up on us and we are pulling against each other. Things that worked last week dont work this week. Our schedule is thrown off. What has happened for us lately is that our toddlers have really embraced the age two, yelling "Mine" and "No" at every opportunity. They are crawling out of their cribs, forcing us to transition to toddler beds. Weve had so many changes overnight on top of summer travel plans and an upcoming move. Life happens. It can be hard to remember that this is only a season of our life when we have two two-year olds screaming because they wont nap in the new sleeping arrangement and we desperately need to make a grocery run. We forget to be a team. We forget that one day in the not-so-distant future we will look back on these days and wonder where they went.

Im blessed with such a wonderful and understanding husband. Both of us want to enjoy this life we have together and both of us care enough to admit we are wrong, let the other person be right, cut an argument short and hug it out instead. We plan date night/movie nights after a busy week where we pop a big bowl of popcorn and pick up a Redbox. We do backyard BBQs with the family, turning on the sprinklers and pulling out the water table so the boys will play, relaxing on our patio furniture with cold beers and discussing our week. We purposefully turn off our electronics-- turn off the TV and go outside and play, leave the laptop closed and let the emails pile up, ditch the phones so we arent texting or making phone calls. We like looking at each other while we talk and setting an example for our kids who are growing up in a digital age (read my blog post "Toddler technology"). I do a lot of multi-tasking as a mother of three and wife to a sailor, but sometimes listening is done best when you arent multi-tasking. We also really make an effort to hear each other out, which often comes down to understanding we are different people that feel differently about different things. Live and let live.

After getting home from a week long vacation with the boys (read my blog post "Impossible") and unpacking all our luggage, my hubby and I were tense. We argued the whole time we got ready for our concert on Saturday night. Ten minutes before the baby-sitter arrived, we didnt even know if we wanted to go anymore. The toddlers were screaming due to missing nap. Our preschooler was hungry. I wasnt ready. But he urged me along and said, "Lets just go." I got ready quickly and managed to get out of the house shortly after the sitter arrived. By the time Brad Paisley came on we were holding hands and dancing together. The stress of getting things done with small children was forgotten and the petty arguments we had before leaving felt so distant. Even better, when we got home, the sitter said the kids behaved wonderfully for her. Ah, we needed that. We needed a night out just the two of us.

I dont have a good way to wrap this up. I dont think it can just be wrapped up and filed away. Marriage is a constant work in progress. Just when we get in the hang of parenting two two-year olds, I will be starting to homeschool our oldest in 5-year old preschool. Just when we get in the hang of homeschooling, my hubby will be assigned to a boat. And boat life is totally different than the life we have been living for the past three years (read my blog post, "STA-21 officers program"). Plus we have at least two moves ahead of us in the next year or so and every military family knows how much fun PCSing is. At the end of the day, we are two Christian adults who have chosen to live our lives together and to love each other in a way that is uplifting to our faith and good examples to our children. We can only do that if we honestly admit our faults and faithfully submit ourselves to God and each other.

I pray Philippians 1:9-10 all the time because I love how it puts things in perspective:

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ-- to the glory and praise of God.

Most of the time I start praying that for my husband and find that I need that prayer applied to myself more. The other verse in Philippians that really keeps me grounded is Philippians 1:27a, "Whatever happens conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ." Who can say they always live up to that one?

I know it is cliche, but these verses remind me of what love really is about. Love isnt about who changed more diapers or what you made for dinner or how many presents you bought your kids at their birthday party. No, 1 Corinthians 12:4-8a:

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

I read those verses and think of how much more beautiful our marriage would be if I demonstrated that form of love always, not just when things are going well.

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weight loss during pregnancy without morning sickness | First time mom

weight loss during pregnancy without morning sickness

We just switched our toddlers to toddler beds at 26-months old. I switched our oldest to a toddler bed... I cant seem to remember when now. We switched him because it was cute, no other reason. We just thought he was so big and we were excited to go to the next phase. I do know that we switched him before we moved from Hawaii; we moved away when he was 21-months old. We switched him a couple months before that, so I would put it somewhere between 18- and 20-months.

I remember thinking what a big boy he was. Here is a picture of D at 18-months old:

Hawaii 2010

At 18-months old, I thought C and O were still babies:

North Carolina 2012

At 26-months old, I thought D was so big, his own little person. I remember all these expectations I had of him and I would say, "He should know better by now." Here is a picture of him at 26-months:

North Carolina 2010

Here is C and O at 26-months. I feel like they are just now starting to really come into themselves, really become little people and members of the family with voices and opinions of their own. I say, "They are still learning. They are only two-years old."

I look at those pictures of Ds little two-year old face and I wish I could go back in time and just be like, "Okay, this doesnt matter and that doesnt matter. Lets just let you be two." I feel like we are really letting C and O be two, cutting away those extra expectations. Yes, some of those expectations we would have a hard time enforcing, even if we wanted to, with the juggling act that has become our family, but some things just dont matter. For instance, D was out of his high chair when he was 14-months old. We switched to a booster seat at the table:

Hawaii 2009

That worked fine until we moved from Hawaii and I got rid of the booster seat. Our new apartment was really small. I didnt want to dedicate a chair to the booster seat or make room for a high chair. So we taught him to sit at the table at 23-months:

North Carolina 2010

My mom is always saying, "Pick your battles." I wish I hadnt fought that battle. I wish I had just found a smaller high chair and fed him meals there instead of feeling disappointed in him that he kept getting down at mealtimes or that there was food all over the place. He was doing the best he could and I sometimes had a hard time seeing that. I wish I had said, "Hes still learning; hes only two-years old," instead of saying, "Come on, bud. I know you can do this!" This was a battle not worth fighting. Our toddlers are still in high chairs.

I know that I was making the best decisions I could for us at that point in our lives. Right now, we are making the best decisions we can at this point in our lives. He was our oldest, our one child to dedicate our time to. Now I have three children to care for. I dont have a desire to push for the next phase and I see our twins much differently than I saw our oldest at the same age. I look at D at four and I think, "Wow! He is little. He is a little kid. I used to think he was so big..." which then makes me look at his little 2-year old brothers and think, "Wow! They are babies." These ages are so small in the scheme of life, four-years old, two-years old.

Sometimes I get frustrated with him now, how he solves problems with his brothers. His two-year old brothers take his toys and he snatches them back. His two-year old brothers hit him with a toy train and he pushes them away. He is bigger and stronger than they are; I tell him, "You need to be gentle with your brothers! They are much smaller than you are." But he looks at them as his peers, his equals, his brothers that are being rude to him. He tries the problem solving Ive taught him and when he runs out of options, he reciprocates. From his point of view, he said, "Hey! We dont hit!" From his point of view, he moved away from his brothers so they would leave him alone. From his point of view, he had the train first. And then, from his point of view, he got in trouble when his brother hit him first.

Transitioning our twins to toddler beds made me realize how little I think they are when I thought our oldest was so big at the same age. It also made me feel guilty and sad about some of the things I expected from our oldest at that age, things I no longer feel are age-appropriate expectations. I think I kept pushing him for the next thing, the next phase, the next challenge, whereas now I feel I pull back with the toddlers, say, "Whoa! Lets just wait on that. Whats the rush?" I feel I struggle more with decisions for them, "Do I really want to push them?"

The toddler bed transition (dont worry-- Im working on a blog post on it) has made our lives busier (read "Keep calm and carry on"). Sibling rivalry issues that weve never had before or only briefly delved into, such as when the twins became mobile and interrupted Ds previously quiet playtime, have suddenly been brought to the forefront. The first couple days I felt like I expected D to constantly be understanding, much like I did on our recent family vacation (read "Impossible"). As an elder sister myself, I know that there are plenty of times in life where being the oldest does require acceptance of the fact that you are a role model to your younger siblings; however, there are also times when younger siblings must balance their needs with the rest of the family.

The feelings I had in regard to the expectations I had of D at various ages compared to the expectations I have of his younger brothers and the frustration we have all been feeling with the sibling rivalry issues collided, leaving me with an epiphany: I dont want to feel bad about how I dealt with this phase. Sure, in the future I will look back and say, "I could have done this or that," but, facts are, I dont think D always has to be on hold, tolerating of his brothers bad behavior. I dont think four-year olds have the communication skills or the maturity to deal with two 2-year olds chasing him with plastic swords. If I was him, I would probably hit back too. It is challenging not to always view the kids as "the one I can control verbally" and "the two I cant."

There is a lot of pressure being a mother. You love your kids with your heart and soul and want to get it right. Facts are, Ive never done this before. This is my first time. There is a lot I dont know and that Im figuring out as I go. I dont always like the feeling of flying blind, which is what I feel Im doing now as I balance C and Os growing independence and Ds needs as an older brother, plus all three boys frustrations being one of three (must everyone need Momma now??).

I love Psalm 121:1-3 "I lift my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-- he who watches over you will not slumber." My prayer is not that I am a Perfect Mother at all times or that I always Get It Right. No, my prayer is that our boys grow up in a home deeply rooted in Gods love and that they know, from the depths of their souls, how loved they are both by God, the Maker of heaven and earth, but also by their earthly parents, who have done their very best raising them, depending on the Lord each step of this unknown journey.

I hope Im teaching our boys how to admit when they were wrong, how to forgive yourself, how to live each day to the fullest. I hope Im teaching them how to laugh through the tears, deal with the hard times. Manage stress. Make the best of things. Or how to pursue your dreams while dealing with real life. How to resolve an argument. Most of all, I hope they are learning how to pray without ceasing, to hand your life over to God and say, "Guide me, Lord!" They will only learn all these things because Im not perfect.

2 Corinthians 5:15, 20-21 and 6:1-2:

And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again... We are therefore Christs ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christs behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. As Gods co-workers we urge you not to receive Gods grace in vain. For he says, "In the time of my favor I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you." I tell you, now is the time of Gods favor, now is the day of salvation.

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