Showing posts with label go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label go. Show all posts

Sunday, March 6, 2016

maintaining weight loss during pregnancy | Time wont let me go

maintaining weight loss during pregnancy


"I am so homesick now for someone that I never knew.
I am so homesick now for someplace I will never be.
Time wont let me go; time wont let me go..."
-Time Wont Let Me Go by the Bravery



I posted awhile ago about getting "a little help from my friends." Lately, Ive really needed a little help from my friends. I have felt so stuck with this past miscarriage and molar pregnancy. I feel so sad about losing this baby and I feel so disappointed we have to wait to start trying again (thankfully, not wait as long as we were originally told, read "3 weeks, 3 months"). There is a weight on my chest and I feel like Im going through the motions.

Yesterday I took the boys to the park and let them play in the woods. They had so much fun running around together and playing. I sat down against a tree, leaned back, and let the sun shine on my face. The foliage kept whispering in front of the sun beams as the wind blew threw the trees. I felt the sunlight flicker against eyelids. It was so relaxing to just be, to hear the boys playing around me and need to do nothing but enjoy the moment.

It has been hard to talk to people about whats going on. Posting on my blog is one thing. Im not even sure how many people I know actually read my blog and Ive enjoyed writing about it. Talking about it is another thing. I feel my voice start quivering or I wonder if Im using the wrong words or if Im offending my listener. What is their story? Are my struggles acceptable to talk about? What if they repeat what Im telling them and people start gossiping about me? I start doubting myself and feeling self-conscious for wanting to talk about my raw, open feelings. I wonder if Im letting the right person in. Why are adult problems so complicated? Are they actually that complicated or am I making them complicated?

Sometimes I find myself thinking about my best friends who live so far away. I love talking on the phone with them and hearing the raw emotion in their voice, how much they care about me and feeling that surge of love because I know how much I care about them. I long to sit on their couches and sip a cup of coffee while we just be together. It is so nice to be around best friends that know-- know what you are going through inside and out, not just the "big thing" but all the little things that are making the big thing worse. I know they are praying for me and thinking about me, just as I pray for them and think about them. Distance, though... the distance is still there. We cant change distance.

And I cant change what happened. I cant turn back time and look at the ultrasound screen and see a healthy baby. I cant change that my husband is swamped in school. I cant change that the toddlers are two and suffering through "#toddlerproblems," as Honest Toddler calls them. I cant change the busyness of day to day life with three kids. I cant change that my family lives so far away and that it is a road trip to get a hug from my mom (though I can shamelessly "borrow" all the things from her that remind me of her). Ugh, and I cant change this wretched molar pregnancy diagnosis.

What I can do is talk about it. I have reached out to my local friends; Im going out on a limb. Im doing what makes me uncomfortable and letting people in. I need to let people in. Its a risk, but a risk worth taking. Ive found out that others have gone through similar things, some things more heart-wrenching than what Ive experienced. I was talking to a friend who was telling me about her mindset, or way of thinking, when dealing with life challenges. Sometimes she finds that shes approaching the problem with the wrong attitude, which really struck a chord with me. I feel like Im just focusing on what I cant change. I need to move on. I need to acknowledge my loss and... and something. Im not sure what the something is yet.

When we lost our first baby in pregnancy #1, I woke up in the middle of the night and pulled out the box of baby clothes I had bought during the pregnancy. I laid all the layettes and onsies out on the floor, thinking of the baby that would never wear them. I held the empty clothes and wept. When our first born came home from the hospital, I thought of that first baby, the one that was never born, how old that baby would have been. That baby has never left my heart, but Ive accepted the loss. I think I just need time. Time to pass and lessen the sadness. When I think of this last pregnancy, I just think of what will never be, what isnt anymore. It feels like a loss only real and present in my heart. Im afraid if I let it go that it will be like it didnt happen.

So, at the risk of sounding redundant, I havent move on yet. Im trying to get to the place that I can let go and that I can embrace the present. Ive found some comfort in talking to my local friends about the loss and hearing their stories. Ive found a lot of comfort in praying about it and journaling about it. Ive found more and more comfort in loving on my boys and going through the motions of family life.

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Saturday, February 20, 2016

weight loss during 4th month pregnancy | Murphys Law

weight loss during 4th month pregnancy




 Here we are, facing another move. We have moved so many times here in North Carolina. When we moved here from Hawaii, we moved into a 2-bedroom apartment on the third floor. When we found out we were having twins, we moved into a 3-bedroom apartment on the first floor in the same complex. Then we got a dog and the twins became more mobile and it did not work for us any longer. When it came time to renew our lease, we declined and moved into a 3-bedroom house out in town with a fenced in backyard and playroom. The house has worked great for us! Plenty of storage room in the attic and garage and plenty of room for our boys to play, inside and out.

As you know, my husband was picked up for the STA-21 (seaman to admiral or "officers program") program. This June he will have served 9-years enlisted duty in the Navy. When he graduates this August with a degree in mechanical engineering, he will be commissioned as an officer and need to go through power school and prototype again, this time on the officers side of things. He will also need to complete Submarine Officer Basic School (SOBC) sometime in there, which is a 10-week course in Connecticut. We know he will be doing power school in South Carolina and we suspect he will be doing prototype in upstate New York. We wont get orders for prototype until after he finishes power school and we probably wont hear about power school until closer to his graduation. From the sound of it, SOBC can be squeezed in while waiting to start prototype or after completing prototype.

Our lease is coming to an end this August. We planned on extending our lease or doing month-to-month until my husband receives his orders. Then we got an email that threw all our plans into confusion: the homeowners are returning early-- this September-- and will not extend our lease past when it ends this August. We emailed the property management company to see if there is any way the homeowners would let us stay longer if we paid higher rent and were declined. My hubby contacted his lieutenant and detailer to see if it would be possible for him to class up for power school in October. If not, we would like to find out what our class up date so we can find new lodgings accordingly (are we looking to rent until December? February? Later?). His first choice class-up date was October anyways, his second December, and third February. However, we have heard both power school and prototype are backed up right now. We are still waiting to hear back from the Navy. (Please be understanding, Navy!)

So our big dilemma is that our lease is up at the end of August and we could still be stationed in North Carolina-- without orders-- until December or later. That means we need to pay first and last months rent at the new place. We need to find somewhere that accepts dogs (pet deposit and monthly pet fee). We need to buy boxes, rent a truck, find people to help us move, and probably get a storage unit until the Navy gives us orders and we move from North Carolina to South Carolina. The best thing financially for us would be if the Navy gave us orders for October and we could use those orders to move a bit early when our lease expires in August; this would totally eliminate the extra in-town move. The sad thing would be moving away from all our local friends earlier than we had anticipated.

My husband and I feel that we have learned a lot from all this moving we have done during our three-year stay in North Carolina. We could not have helped renting the wrong place when we first moved here. We rented a large 2-bedroom apartment expecting to have one baby-- not twins. We should not have moved to a 3-bedroom apartment from there; we should have moved into a house. And from this house, there is no way we could have known the homeowners would be returning early. We were told that they were going abroad for a couple years and we were their first renters. It feels like Murphys Law: everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. We tried very hard to rent the right places for our family and just have not done well at it! Maybe the next time we rent a house out in town we should only rent rental properties and not someones home they plan on eventually returning to? We know all too well plans change.

We debated when we moved here if we wanted to buy a house or not. We really liked the house prices here in North Carolina. The single thing that held us back was the uncertainty of selling it when we were ready to move. We knew that we would only be stationed here for three years, which still does not feel like very long to buy a home and then sell it. After seeing some of my friends deal with renting out homes they bought at past duty stations, I knew that was not a project I wanted to undertake right now in my life. We plan on having more children and it will be an adjustment for our kids to get used to Daddy being back on submarines when the time comes. We also knew homeschooling was a real possibility. With all of that on my plate, I did not also want to be managing a rental property in a different state. So I said that if we bought a home, I would want to sell it when we moved. This made us a little nervous, as we have never bought or sold a home before. Neither of us wanted a piece of property to stand in between us living together-- me and the kids not being able to move with him because the home hasnt sold yet. We decided against buying and instead rented. With all these moves weve done now in this one state at this one duty station, we are wondering if buying a home, no matter how long it took to sell, would have been the less expensive option. It feels like a gamble.

Regardless, we spend so much money moving. Hotels. Take out. First and last months rent. New closet organizers. Curtains. Door mats. Bathroom mats. Kitchen mats. Pieces of furniture to fit that new strange corner in the living room. Pictures for new, awkward walls. Throwing out and re-buying the food and cleaners the movers wont pack. From New Hampshire to Hawaii. From Hawaii to North Carolina. From apartment to apartment to house to who-knows-where in North Carolina. And we still have the move from North Carolina to South Carolina in front of us. And then South Carolina to New York. And New York to wherever his sea duty station is. Such is the life of a military family!


My blog posts on the STA-21 program:
"Two years of STA-21"
"Three years of STA-21"
And, our story, in "About Kimber"


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