weight loss during pregnancy sign of miscarriage
So Ive been conflicted for the past couple weeks about whether or not I should blog about our miscarriage. On one hand, I would love to talk about it because it is so isolating. On the other hand, it feels so personal. In the end, I think talking about it is the best thing to do.
From the beginning, this pregnancy was showing signs of problems. My OB/Gyn does a first trimester ultrasound. The ultrasound had abnormalities... the weeks werent lining up right... we did blood tests... the numbers went up, but not as much as they wanted... more ultrasounds... After several weeks of this up and down, one step forward and two steps back, it was clear the baby was not developing and was in fact miscarrying. We decided to try the medication, this pill you put on your cervix, to try and have the miscarriage at home without surgery. This way we wouldnt have to line up a sitter for an early morning surgery with recovery time. The pill didnt work and I ended up still needing a D&C because my uterus did not clear. Thankfully we were able to line up childcare. Our baby-sitters are absolutely wonderful. I cannot begin to express how nice it is to lay down to rest in my bedroom and hear my children giggling with joy because their baby-sitter is playing a fun game with them. They have been such a blessing to us.
This is actually my second D&C. I miscarried during our first pregnancy, a little after 12 weeks. It is so heartbreaking to see a baby on the ultrasound and never get to hold it. I started bleeding over the weekend. After a frantic ER visit and daily blood tests, it was confirmed I was miscarrying. It was the same situation where my uterus did not clear and I needed a D&C. Since it was our first child and it felt so late to miscarry, I remember feeling horrified to have a D&C. This time felt different. Perhaps because there were problems from the beginning and so we at least had an idea this was coming.
Miscarrying is a hard thing for people to address. It is emotionally devastating to go through. We were trying to have babies both times we miscarried. It was hard to let go of that dream, that child, that we wanted to hold so badly. It drains you as a mother. I feel like these are children of mine I will never get to meet. I hope I can hold them one day in heaven. I dont know if that sounds silly, but that is how I feel. You want people to say something to you about your loss, but then you hear things like, "At least it happened early in the pregnancy" or "You can try again soon." Those things, while well-meaning, feel like a pat on the head, as if I didnt just lose a baby. And I know that to other people that a baby in the first trimester, before Im even showing, might not feel like a baby to them. But it did to me. And it is hard for my husband. I remember when our first son was born. My husband held him in his arms and said, "Can you believe that we have a baby?" I had to laugh because I felt like I had a baby the moment I saw two pink lines; I was just waiting for him to be born! I know it is different for men. My husband through this whole process has been wonderful. He has held me when I needed a cry and has cheered me up with movie nights, chocolate, and refilling my water every time he gets up. Sometimes though, I feel like life has just moved on for him during this miscarriage while I feel stuck. I dont know if I want to move on without this baby.
Wonderfully, through my husbands love and support, hes really helped me focus on the blessings I do have. With gentle patience, I have seen his love for me each day these past several weeks as we worried and prayed over this pregnancy. I am so blessed by him. I cherish him every day. And I hope and pray our sons turn out like him. I love our three boys. I cant wait for them to all be big brothers (hopefully to a little sister!). This time just wasnt the time.
We didnt see this miscarriage coming. We thought our first miscarriage was "common," being our first pregnancy. We heard that happens often. We felt we had gotten it over with and that now we would have normal pregnancies. We brought our four-year old with us to the first trimester ultrasound, hoping to get him excited about this budding addition to our family. I had been feeling awful: exhausted, nauseous, throwing up. I thought this would be a great way for him to connect with the baby and maybe feel sympathetic towards Mommy. Instead we had bad news. He didnt understand what the doctor was saying, nor did we explain it to him until we had confirmed that it was indeed a miscarriage, which was nearly three weeks later. From the beginning he had named the baby "Baby Flowers." He said he wanted to name it Flowers because girls like flowers and he wanted a baby sister. To quote him, "I have enough brothers!" Every day he prayed for Baby Flowers, that she was having a good day in Mommys tummy and that she knew how much he loved her. It was precious. When we told him that we werent having a baby right now, he asked why not. I told him that God wanted Baby Flowers to come live with him. He turned his little face to me and said with tears in his eyes, "But cant I hold her first before she goes and lives with God? Cant you tell God we want her?" My heart broke. We told him we would have another baby soon and he said he would name that baby Baby Flowers too. My husband then brought out the Legos and all was well, but, man, those words have hung with me. Next time we are going to wait to tell him about my pregnancy.
Im doing better now. It was really hard two weeks ago, around 10 weeks, when we tried that medication. I did not want to do it. I cried as I waited for it to work, thinking, "I dont want a miscarriage!" At the follow-up ultrasound, I saw the 12 weeks 1 day mark on the screen and wished that it were different, that I wasnt miscarrying. But I cant change it. I can only trust God and know He has a plan for us. At 12 weeks 2 days, I had the D&C. I really am feeling better. It helps me to think of these babies weve lost as our children, as babies we have lost. I let myself grieve the past couple weeks. I was surprised that I was grieving over our first miscarriage again. Those feelings came back up and I remembered how I felt leaving the ER when I first started bleeding. I remembered how terrified I was to have a D&C. But I also remembered all the good things that happened because of it. I met two wonderful women who have become my best friends. I became pregnant with a beautiful baby boy, our firstborn, the first month we could start trying again. Over the past couple years, Ive been able to talk about that miscarriage with other women who have gone through the same thing. I know God has a plan and that this will turn out for good.
I always find comfort in my favorite Psalm, Psalm 91. Here is an excerpt:
"Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
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