post pregnancy weight loss while breastfeeding | Counting the miles

post pregnancy weight loss while breastfeeding

Ive never considered myself an insecure person. I would say that, in general, I feel confident in who I am and who God made me to be. I believe in the full body of Christ, how each of us have individual and unique gifts that we bring to the table. What I am good at may not be what you are good at and vice versa. I also believe that the root of finding your own confidence and inner strength is identifying what you are good at, what your passion is, what your skill set is. For myself, when I am practicing my skill, I get that sense of purpose. Sure, I occasionally see somebody doing something that I think, "Wow, I wish I could do that!" or something coming naturally to someone, where I have to work very hard at the same thing. Those times it is easy to doubt myself-- should I be doing that the same way? But having my inner compass-- my confidence in my own skills, my own sense of purpose-- I am quickly grounded again in who I am and being the best me.

Lately, Ive struggled a lot with that. Ive been pulling more things on to my calendar, some of them deliberately to challenge me and others to give back to my community. Ive been challenged. Ive been shown my limitations. Beyond that, Ive felt life is challenging me lately. Our 4-year old twins are at an age and stage that tests me on the regular. Different aspects of their personality challenge me in ways that I do not find enjoyable, but exhausting. My marriage is being challenged by the shipyard schedule and our return to life with my husband on a submarine. It is all life. It is all normal. It is all stretching me.

Because I like re-reading classics and because I have felt searching, I picked up On the Road by Jack Kerouac the other day. It felt like the book my soul needed at the moment.

They have worries, theyre counting the miles, theyre thinking about where to sleep tonight, how much money for gas, the weather, how theyll get there--and all the time theyll get there anyway, you see. But they need to worry and betray time with urgencies false and otherwise, purely anxious and whiny, their souls really wont be at peace unless they can latch on to an established and proven worry and having once found it they assume facial expressions to fit and go with it, which is, you see, unhappiness, and all the time it all flies by them and they know it and that too worries them to no end.

Unhappiness. Worrying over our worrying. And it is true-- in the end, we get there anyway. Why am I focusing so much on all these things that get me down?

It brought to mind these verses in Matthew. (Is it possible to jump from Kerouac to the Bible?) Matthew 6:31-34:

So do not worry, saying, What shall we eat? or What shall we drink? or What shall we wear? For the pagans run after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Lately I feel like my days move from one trouble to the next. My face is pulled into a facial expression to go with it and I spend so much time worrying about my life. Ive been consumed. And it has made me insecure. I doubt my abilities. I doubt my decisions. I doubt what Im capable of.

While getting ready this morning, I was listening to the Rolling Stones, "You cant always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need."

Mulling this over in my head as I went about our morning, dropping our 1st grader off at school, I seized the moment once we got home and called my best friend back; she called me yesterday. She wants to visit. As if my spirit couldnt get any higher from those words, when I told her what Ive been dealing with, she gave me encouragement.

This morning what I needed was the encouraging words of my best friend. What I needed last night was the encouraging text messages from my mom and the understanding ear of my husband. When he got home from work yesterday, he fed the children dinner while I left to go find a quiet corner in a restaurant to write. These people in my life surround me and lift me up. When I feel like I "cant" they show me that I can. (And, as my mom always encourages me, I can and I will.)

Yesterday morning at school drop off, I went home in tears, exasperated by the shenanigans of our 4-year olds, overwhelmed and in my head. I canceled my plans and cleaned the house from top to bottom-- cabinets, baseboards, laundry, and dusting included. Ive felt lost staring at the screen to blog. What should I write about that isnt yet another complaint? Sitting down this morning to write, I briefly doubted if I should publish this post.

But here is what I think is important: admitting your shortcomings. If I dont have the strength to admit when Im struggling, how will my friends find the strength to admit they are struggling to me? Wouldnt I happily bake a meal, baby-sit, or lend an ear to any of my friends when they need to feel the love? Ive got that love for them; I know theyve got that love for me. It is hard when we feel insecure. It is hard when we feel like the things we are good at fail, when we feel like nothing is succeeding, when we feel it is all for naught and we are running in circles. It is hard when we get in our own heads and feel alone. Yesterday taught me that while a lot of the day to day activities fall on my shoulders, I am not alone. My mommy texted and called me all day. My best friend is going to fly across country just to see me. My husband supports me. When I walked in the door from my solitary dinner last night, the children bustled down the stairs, "Mommy! Mommy! Where did you go? I love you."

Because I checked off my to-do list in a tear soaked binge yesterday, I can focus today on building my inner strength. I carved out that time to pray and listen to God. I am publishing this blog post when internally I wonder if I have anything to say. I am going to do some preschool with our 4-year olds and let them dabble in their passions; I swear one of them is ready to start reading. (How can I decline a desire to read?) The baby has a cold and needs me-- my care, my love, my patience. Today I have a chance to get what I need: the support of those that love me, opportunities to love those around me, and time to practice my skills. Ive let myself fall down a rabbit hole of insecurities, second guessing my every move. While I find it scary right now, I know that the only way to get past this is to put one foot in front of the other, to get on the road and stop counting the miles.

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weight loss early pregnancy no vomiting | Disenchanted

weight loss early pregnancy no vomiting

 

9 years now I’ve been married to my submariner. In a lot of ways, I thought that being married for 9 years would feel… different, maybe better. I thought we would have a lot more of life figured out. I thought that I would really grasp submarine life by now and feel like “an adult.” When I think back to when we first got married and how green I was then—yes, I am an adult and we have grown and, dang, submarine life has a lot of twists and turns, you know? But really this year has left me feeling blah. Returning to life on an active submarine after his break with the STA-21 program was a lot like I thought it would be. However, I thought it would be “crazy, shocking, and a real eye opener.” In all of those ways, it has been. His schedule on the boat is different than what they told us it would be when he got his orders before we moved from South Carolina. I will say that the schedule changes have all been in our favor—more time home, less time at sea—but these changes weren’t all handed to us in a neat little folder that I could mark on my calendar. They’ve slowly unraveled over weeks and months, always uncertain and always unsure of what was coming next, never sure what to tell the children or what to set my hopes on. I’ve now put his boat schedule in a bubble that I let float over my head, never letting it rest too long on the forefront of my mind or else I start stressing about “what it might be,” “what it could be,” “what it will mean,” and “how it will unfold.”

The children in turn have dealt with a return to boat life how you would expect a first grader, preschoolers, and a baby to handle it. They feed off of their parents’ nervous energy and all of the changes that have come their way in the past several months. They have regressed in areas that are normally in their control and have accelerated in areas that have surprised us. They have been resilient and exhausting and full of excitement and worry. “Knowing” or “anticipating” how children will behave in these sort of situations is very different than walking it day in and day out with 4 little faces making demands of you.

Living so far away from family has, again, been close to what I expected it would be. We knew we were putting west coast choices down for our top 4 when our family is on the east coast. We have a strong desire to make the most of his military career, to live in places we wouldn’t live otherwise, to venture out of our comfort zones and really live life to the fullest. But, dang, living life to the fullest is exhausting sometimes. I don’t feel like I’m anywhere near enjoying myself to the fullest here. I love the northwest and feel a peace in it. Our home is beautiful. The area is beyond beautiful. It has been family friendly and I’m met a handful of good friends. Yet, I feel so far away from my family and some of my best friends. I wish that I could compress all the best things from all the places we’ve lived and move all my favorite people there. While I think longingly of North Carolina, when I have that wild fantasy of getting out of the Navy life and moving all of us there, it still doesn’t have all my favorite people there or some of the elements from various states we’ve lived in. I feel like a wanderer, trying to figure out where it is we belong and all the time wishing that the people we loved could take every step of this journey with us.

The military life has left me feeling restless lately. There are so many elements of boat life that are exactly the same as the last time we were on a boat. They were hard then and now we are walking through them all over again. It makes me think, “Really? Again? Will I be facing those exact same things on his next boat tour too??” It is like Groundhog’s Day but in real life. We keep growing and our family is growing yet the boat life is always the same—different boat, different duty station, same old Navy. It hasn’t seemed to phase my hubby much. He’s glad to be back on a boat after so much time spent at school. I have to say, his enthusiasm for his job often leaves me feeling guilty. I am so glad that he has a passion for what he does—obviously—or else this Navy life would be exceptionally pointless and exhausting, but it is hard when he seems to be finding a level of satisfaction right now and I am focused so much on the hard points. He can’t share with me all the “cool” things he does at work and they take so much time—14 hour days, 3 day duty sections. And after hearing all these amazing stories of what “off crew” would be like, I’m left disappointed. I don’t know if we are dealing with a strange schedule or if having 4 children makes it feel like there just aren’t enough hours in the day, but we haven’t yet had the experience where off crew is this smooth sailing period where he is home before our son’s school lets out.

I know I’m not the only one who has had periods of time where they are disenchanted with the Navy. When we first got married, it was a rough transition from being single and dating to being married to a submariner (all the way across the country from my family). It was rough. I’m not struggling to the same degree as I was then, but I do struggle to find the joy in the midst of all these changes and the new patterns being imposed on our life. I’ve struggled hard with duty days, which surprised me because I didn’t struggle with them so much the first time we were on the boat. They didn’t bother me as much then. We only had one baby then and so I’m not sure if being pregnant with our fifth and having four bouncing boys is what is making it such a struggle, but I miss him. The children and I rely on him. He makes me laugh and makes the bedtime routine fun. The boys miss their dad. I miss his company and clearly his help. With a tight duty rotation it feels like he works, works, works and then is sleeping on the boat only to start work, work, work again.

And there are so many people that I just miss living here. I wish I lived next door to my best friend again. I miss my family and my sisters. I miss the warm beach. I miss his schedule in North Carolina. It was a beast then, but I knew even then that when we left it would be something I looked fondly back on (and here I am! Looking fondly back on it…). I think one of the biggest lessons I have learned being a submarine wife is that I need to be able to find my joy and my heart even if places where it isn’t easily found. It is hard to be upbeat and look at the bright side when you feel lonely and isolated. It is hard to feel involved and supportive when you are left on the sidelines, especially after so much time where it felt like a team effort. One of the hardest things has been that the list of “goals” I made for myself have to materialize since we’ve been here. My time has been stretched and things I planned on doing aren’t going to be possible for the time being. I have to trust God and find the patience to wait(but, God! All I do is wait!). There have been more than a few moments here where I’ve wondered what my place will be over the next couple years we are stationed here. I’m still not sure. I don’t know. Maybe I won’t be sure at all and then when we move from here it will click what I’ve been doing all this time. For now I’m plugging away in all the ways that God has brought to my attention. My family keeps me busy and I’m not sure that there is anything else that God has revealed to me at the moment. I just have to trust.

Have you ever felt disenchanted with the Navy? How did you get through that period in time?

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pregnancy weight loss workout | Happy New Year!

pregnancy weight loss workout

"We are pulling up one more chair to the table... Baby #5 due June 2016!"

The last time I wrote a blog post was on November 1st, 2015.... so Happy New Year!

Whats been going on over here with me?! Well, first of all, we are expecting again! Baby #5 is due June 2016. We are thrilled. Of course we are hoping that this one is a girl. A friend of mine with four boys recently gave birth to her fifth and it was a girl. I feel like there is *hope* but I also feel that after delivering 4 boys, it is a bit of a long shot. Who knows. Fingers crossed, right? Im 16 weeks right now so we should find out in the next 2-4 weeks what the gender is of baby #5.

I think the biggest reason I havent blogged in so long is that this pregnancy was off to a really rocky start and it sent me into a bit of a depression. Initially the pregnancy didnt look viable. The ultrasounds didnt look good and we werent given much hope. In fact, they ran bloodwork to rule out another molar pregnancy. Weve already had two miscarriages and the thought of a third-- and possibly another molar-- really laid me low. I basically laid on my couch, prayed a lot, and watched NCIS on Netflix.

On top of that, I was having major "morning sickness." Im putting it in quotes because I couldnt keep hardly anything down at all times of the day. Eventually I got on Zofran, which helped a lot, but I was still having difficulties with nausea and occasional vomiting, even on Zofran. I didnt feel well and I was really stressed about the outcome of this pregnancy, which is pregnancy #6 for us. Some people tried reassuring me that "pregnancy symptoms" were a good sign and so I should feel encouraged, but I had pregnancy symptoms with all my miscarriages as well. The vomiting didnt make me feel reassured that my pregnancy was progressing-- well, save for the day that I didnt throw up. Then I spent the evening sobbing that I had lost the baby... It was an emotional time and one that I lost a bunch of weight.

Thankfully the pregnancy is progressing well. They arent really sure why the ultrasounds showed what they did because now everything is looking good. The baby is measuring well. Im so thankful. I went into this pregnancy hoping for the best and expecting the worst. The possibility of another molar always looms in the back of my mind, as does a miscarriage. However, when facing it, I was surprised at how hard I took it this time. I dont think this is something that ever gets easier and quite possibly only gets harder. My prayers go out to everyone who has had a single miscarriage or multiple miscarriages. It is such a hard loss.

As soon as everything with the baby started looking good, we got unexpected news that my grandmother had a stroke. The children and I quickly got our affairs in order and flew to the east coast to be with her and my family. We spent a month there. It was wonderful being there for her recovery and to see my family. The children thrive surrounded by their grandparents and great-grandmother. Of course that trip didnt go quite as expected either. Our 4-year old asthmatic ended up in the ER with croup. Our 1.5 year old with reactive airways ended up in the ER with RSV. All four boys came down with a stomach bug and then shared a major cold with all the adults. My mom lost her voice. I was using my inhaler at night. It was a whirlwind of hospitals for both my grandmother and the children. The last week we were there was refreshing though. We were all feeling better and my grandmother was home, pretty much back on her feet. The boys were over the moon Granny was "feeling better," as they kept saying. One night our 1st grader told Granny that he flew all the way across country just to give her a hug. It brought her to tears. She is so loved and it was so good to help her recover and to spend time with her.

This past week weve been adjusting to the change in time zones. Man, who knew that could be such a chore! Our 1.5 year old has come down with every sort of rash under the sun plus a cold. Hes having a hard time sleeping at all, let alone with the time change. Our preschoolers have been wide awake around 3:30-4:00 am. Our oldest is finally back in school, now that we are home. Hes apparently doing well at school, but when he gets home he is starving and very tired. He fell asleep on the couch his first day back right before 6 pm.

So basically, the children have been keeping us busy. Weve been dealing with life and winter ailments and pregnancy. It sounds like a lot (and sometimes feels like a lot), but weve pretty much been indoors tending to the kids colds and using inhalers. I do feel like somewhere during the past couple weeks I set my brain down somewhere and Im still looking for where I set it. If I sit down for too long, I fall asleep and I havent been this hungry since I grew 5" during my freshman year of high school.

Now we are home and settled (er, settling... I have unpacked like two of the eight suitcases we flew home with). I am ready to open up again, blog again. The pregnancy is going well. My grandmother is doing well. The boys are doing well. My hubby is doing well. We are back to the day to day of life with four children and a husband on submarines.

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