fetal weight loss during pregnancy | Its just another day

fetal weight loss during pregnancy

 

What a day.

What. A. Day.

So this morning the toddlers came in my room yelling, "Hot chocolate! Hot chocolate!" We have been having a cup of hot chocolate every morning since we decorated for Christmas, so that they wanted a hhot chocolate wasnt a problem. The timing of their wish most certainly was.

I had them wait. I got out of bed. I came to the kitchen for them to get into a fight over who gets which spoon. I warmed up breakfast. {Mommy tip: make huge batches of breakfast and heat it up over the next couple days. This week we had pancakes and oatmeal. This has made our mornings much smoother!} One of our toddlers had a stinky diaper that he did not want changed. He made it very clear he wanted to remain in his stinky diaper-- though no one wanted to be near him. In fact, he had to go to his room to calm down before I changed that diaper. When he finally emerged, his brothers were yelling, "HOT CHOCOLATE!" I told them if they keep yelling at me, there would be no hot chocolate. That we must be patient. (There was much confusion over the definition of this word, patient: perhaps it is an old wooden ship used during the Civil War era? No...) I changed the diaper. He joined his brothers at the breakfast table.

I finished making their breakfast plates. They continued dropping hints about hot chocolate. I continued telling them to wait. I glared at the Keurig to hurry up and heat up the water-- must have coffee now! Finally it all came together. Finally I made myself a plate. I sat down with my cup of coffee and my small plate of pancakes (you know, whatever was left) and started eating. Immediately, toddlers start exclaiming, "Sticky! All done! EW! STICKY!" I gave them baby wipes to clean their hands. They put their baby wipes in their hot chocolate and rang them out over their heads... I asked them to stop. Our oldest asked if he could watch a Christmas movie (also been letting them watch more movies earlier, due to the holiday season). I told him not yet. The toddlers demanded to get down. Our oldest wanted to know when we could watch one. I told them all that I would assist them after I ate my breakfast.

And so they asked me for the next five minutes if I was done.

When I cleaned all the hands and cleared all the plates, I discovered our dishwasher was ran before we went to bed last night, meaning I had a dishwasher full of clean dishes and about 5 plates, 4 mugs, 4 forks, and 1 knife filling the sink. Plus my husbands breakfast dishes (1 pan, 1 plate, 1 fork). The boys are now running free is syrup coated pajamas. I put the dishes in the sink, turned away from the dish mess, and went to deal with the boys. We changed clothes. They resisted taking off snowman jams. Our 5-year old insisted that he either wanted to wear his pajamas all day or nothing at all. I went to their rooms only to find no jeans in any of their drawers. I literally got them dressed sitting on the floor next to the dryer, pulling their freshly cleaned clothes right out of the dryer and tossing their pajamas in the washer as I undressed them. Our 5-year old approved, "We should get dressed like this everyday! Then I wont need a hamper anymore!" (For some reason all our boys dislike their hamper.)

The bad thing about getting them dressed in the laundry room is that I had to walk through the kitchen and see the kitchen mess again. Ugh. I tell them I want to take a shower now and they need to behave. I dont know what set him off, but one of our toddlers then started throwing a tantrum. Time out. I calm him down and tell them to behave. I told our oldest that there was no wrestling allowed while I was in the shower. He promises he understands. The other toddler follows behind me, "Hungry, hungry, huuuuuungryyyyyy...." No way is he hungry with 2 hearty bowls of oatmeal and 3 pancakes in that tummy, plus the glass of hot chocolate. I tell him he needs to go play. He throws himself face down in my bathroom. Time out.

I finally got in the shower. While I was rinsing the conditioner out of my hair from my super fast shower, two of my boys bust in the bathroom accusing the third boy of biting one of them. And sure thing, one of the toddlers has a huge bite mark on his shoulder. The other toddler-- the accused toddler-- is pointedly not  in the bathroom with his brothers. And so I rinse, get out and go sort this all out. Time out for the biter. Apologies, tears, hugs, lectures... An injured party. It was very dramatic. I cant believe he bit his brother while I was in the shower. Over a block tower.

I start thinking they need fresh air. I get ready. They wrestle. One of the toddlers falls off the couch. Our 5-year old feels his brothers are being too loud. The toddlers want to watch Frosty the Snowman. Our dog wants to go out. I felt like they just didnt want me to get anything accomplished. I wasnt entertaining them and I wasnt getting our stuff together so we could get outside and walk to the park. Nothing was coming together and they were all fighting, arguing, crying. I wanted a hug.

Lunches packed. Shoes on (why is it always the same child who cant ever find his shoes?). A debate ensued over whether or not they needed jackets (me saying it wasnt cold enough, our 5-year old saying his brothers needed their puffy coats). The toddlers fought over who could carry the lunch bag. All three fought over who could carry the picnic blanket. All three argued with me over whether or not they could bring toys (me: no; them: yes. I won). Keys forgotten. All go back inside. All go back outside. Finally on our way. Find the perfect spot. Realize we forgot waters. Do we walk back? No, we stay.

I settle us into our spot and the boys all fought to sit in my lap! What?! We get out of the house to go play-- at an empty playground, no other kids or adults to feel shy around-- and they want to quietly sit in my lap?! After wrestling on my couch all morning?! I insisted they go play.

So I listened to them fight over the swing. And over the random toys they found in the sandbox. And I wondered, "Why did I go through all this trouble to take them over to the park just to listen to them fight here? At home I have my book. My coffee. I dont have the problem that I forgot to pack water." I was just about to pack us up to go home when one of my girlfriends walked over and met us at the park. I chatted with her. The boys wandered away. They ran; they chased; they played. They went down the slides. The swung on the swings. And I relaxed. We ended up walking home feeling better, tummies full from our packed lunch.

They were happy until we got home and they realized it was naptime. I wrangled them into bed. It was one of those days that you look at the clock and think, "Is it seriously only 1:30 pm? There are so many hours left in the day!"

Im still not sure what Im going to do with all those hours.

Im just hoping the second half of our day is smoother than the first half of our day!

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fat weight loss during pregnancy | Having friends with a busy family

fat weight loss during pregnancy

As luck would have it, the Navy brought an old friend back into our lives! I love that aspect on military life, the possibility of being stationed with friends again! Our neighbor from Hawaii just moved to South Carolina and now lives basically down the road from us. The last time I saw her, my oldest was about the age of her little 1-year old son. Now I have a 5-year old and 2-year old twins. She has a sweet, bubbly 1-year old who was content snacking on Plum Organic Puffs in a high chair while her and I caught up. As you can imagine, my boys were less than agreeable.

2 and a half is just a straight up hard to manage age. It is difficult to deal with when you have one child. It is even more difficult with two 2 and a half year olds. Even more difficult than that? When you also have an older sibling in the mix. The toddlers want everything their older brother touches. They take his toys, they try to climb in the chair hes sitting on. If hes playing on the floor, they want to climb on his back, wrestle with him. If hes outside, they want to go outside with him. And, of course, he can always get an argument going. They will be sitting at the table and hell walk over and say, "No." Out of the blue. No context. Nothing to do with what they are doing. Just, "No." Immediately their panties get in a knot, "Yes!" they scream. He counters, "No." And so a heated debate ensues, "Yes!" "No." "Yes!" "No." "Yesyesyesyesyesyes!" "Nononononono!"

To quote the Grinch, "Oh, the NOISE NOISE NOISE NOISE!"

I feel like the boys were so badly behaved during that whole playdate. Im definitely not saying that normally they are extremely well behaved, but things that normally arent such an issue were really difficult. Like, for some reason, our 5-year old started throwing his napkin in the air while sitting at the table eating lunch. He has literally never done that before. I was sitting with my girlfriend in the playroom, chatting, and we heard the loudest clanging coming from the family room. One of the toddlers had filled a bucket with blocks and dumped it upside down all over the floor. There were toys strewn everywhere. The toddlers screeched, "Noooo," when I told them to do something (honestly, so did our 5-year old). Our toddlers normally get tired and grouchy around 1 or 2, signaling naptime. They were behaving like they needed a nap at 12:30 pm! Omigosh, I think I apologized for interrupting our conversation to mediate arguing, screaming children like 10 times. When my husband came home that evening, I told him that it was just embarrassing.

My girlfriend, of course, was super sweet and didnt seem phased at all by our boys behavior. It is times like that that I wish I had a video of how things "normally" are around here, just so I can say, "It really isnt normally like this." Yes, things are normally busy. We normally have some degree of brotherly disagreements. We normally have a couple accidents, someone fell or something broke. We normally end up slightly off schedule or slightly late. We normally eat dinner a smidgen later than I wanted to. The toddlers are normally unpredictable at meal times-- will they eat today? Our 5-year old is normally extremely curious-- which has led to experiments gone awry. But normally it is just the right amount of chaos to keep each day exciting, keep me on my toes, keep things fun. Normally I dont need a referee whistle.

As a mom, it can be hard when your kids dont behave. In this instance, I really wanted them to put their best foot forward. I think I feel most self conscious of their behavior when hanging out with a mom who has younger kids than ours, when they havent "been there" yet. Now that our oldest is 5, some of the behaviors that I disagreed with in older children when he was an infant, I have found are just 5-year old behaviors. Some things I felt we would be strict on, we arent. Some things I thought we would be relaxed about, we arent. Some things I felt were signs of bad parenting, I dont anymore. Some things I felt were signs of good parenting, I dont anymore. It still can be hard when our kids arent being the sweet boys I know they can be, when they dont show the charming sides of themselves that we see. When the only glimpse given to a new (or new to them) friend isnt the glimpse I would have chosen.

This is why Im grateful for the friends in our life. Yeah, my girlfriend was probably a little overwhelmed yesterday. A 1-year old is seriously adorable, especially her sweet little boy. But she was understanding and actually wants to meet up with us again soon! :) Im not just grateful for our non-judgmental mommy friends. I mean all our good friends, our married friends without kids who truly enjoy hanging out with us and who always are exceedingly sweet to our boys (seriously, who wouldnt love people that not only say they love our boys, but who also play with them while I clean up dinner? Yeah. Fabulous). Our adult friends-- single, dating, engaged-- that find our busy family fun. My girlfriends that chat with our kids on the phone, that have special treats for them when we come to visit, that are available when we come to town for a girls night out (I love when my girlfriends love my kids and I love when my girlfriends take me out without my kids! Lol!). I love our friends who also have big families, like the friends I made in North Carolina with kids spaced like ours, twins and a singleton, or families with kids similar ages as ours, like a new friend made here in South Carolina. It is nice to be able to tell someone that the kids went nuts when company came over and they truly relate. Haha! :)

 

And, of course, friends like the gal I met up with yesterday who have littler kids than ours, who are accepting of our boys-- the good, the bad, and the downright toddler tantrums. I know from first hand experience how it feels to hold your sweet, well-behaved infant and watch a toddler have an epic meltdown over, say, a napkin. I know how it feels to think, "I will handle that much differently." I know how it feels to be absolutely surprised when my adorable toddler is face down and red-faced when company comes over or snatching toys at a playdate (or worse, snatching toys and then hitting his friends with those toys). I think that is part of the reason why I feel so self-conscious of the boys behavior in those situations, because I was that gal with the little guy before and I know what I thought on many occasions.

It really has been a humbling experience for me being on the other side of this scenario, the one with more kids, older kids. I hope that I can be the friend to these gals that my friends with more and older kids were to me back then.

What do you do when your kids misbehave?

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weight loss program during pregnancy | Its the most busy time of the year

weight loss program during pregnancy

Wow. It is December already? The last time I looked at my calendar, I swear it was October...

The toddlers are about 20 months. As everyone likes to say, "this is such a fun age." As I like to say, this age exhausts me. It is so much fun watching them discover things. I love actually seeing them learn, like when they repeat a new word or when they figure out how to open a gate or door. C stacked his blocks nine blocks high the other night, then knocked them over to meticulously line them up in a row. Absolutely adorable to watch.

Then there are mornings like this morning.

C has decided that he doesnt want to put shoes on. I really think that is the dilemma. He wont leave the house in socks-- he must have shoes to cross the threshold-- but he does not like the act of putting shoes on. He also is exceedingly particular in what pair of shoes he wants. (Last month they only had one pair of shoes each. Why, oh, why did I buy another pair?) I was running late so I skipped the necessary steps for him to willingly put his shoes on, nearly a 10 minute game when done properly. He was a mess. He flipped from boneless to absolutely rigid for nearly 20 minutes while I attempted to get O ready to go. O was a sweet thing while I was battling with C. He listened to me; he brought me things. Once he was dressed and ready to go, O refused to leave the house. C had his shoes on, so he shot out of the front door and jumped right in the van. O would not leave the house. He clung to the front table. He clung to the door frame. He clung to me when I tried to put him in the van. I literally wrestled him into his seat, pointlessly repeating, "We dont act this way." I then had to pry C out from the back of the van where he had comfortably settled into big brother Ds high-backed booster seat. Did C think I would let him ride there? The temper tantrum he threw while I buckled him in his own seat made it sounded like he did, indeed, think I would let him ride back there. I locked the front door, headed back to the van echoing with the sounds of angry toddlers, and briefly wondered why I was even leaving the house. (Then I thought back to post-breakfast when they both crawled on the table to attack my centerpiece and realized this might be a better use of their energy.) I turned on the van, the Christmas station started playing, and both toddlers stopped crying to start "singing" along to the holiday songs. Really? And I smiled because it was so cute listening to them. All was forgotten. The battle over buckling into the car seat was over and I moved on.

We arrived at our destination. I unloaded the van. Both of the toddlers fell asleep on the ride over. While I unloaded the stroller, C woke up and started screaming. He screamed when I unbuckled him and put him in the stroller. He screamed while I took O out of his seat and put him in the stroller. O gave me a big smile and a big hug. I gave C his sippy cup, which he threw. I started walking and C yells, "Oook! Oook!" (Translation: Look! Look!) He points to something in the parking lot and I excitedly yell with him, "Wow! Look, Cole, look!" I fumble for my wallet. Yup, left it at home. No money to pay for parking. No Starbucks on the way over because I was running late. I am now standing in a freezing cold parking lot with no way to pay for parking and two toddlers who will not be happy if I didnt bring them in to play-- with no coffee. What a morning. (Thankfully, my girlfriend took pity on me and spotted me the $2 to park.)

So far, we are stumbling along. When we came inside to play, C screamed at the top of his lungs because he wanted to play over there and not in here. I stood holding my angry 20-month old while the other moms looked at me. I always wonder while this is going on if I should do an obligatory time out or jump on the bribery train. I erred on the side of bribery and gave him his sippy cup. He clutched his water like it was his life line and started stacking toys in a basket.

The rest of the afternoon passed normally enough. D came home from preschool and attempted to wrestle with his brothers. There is no point wrestling with toddlers. They get angry if you stand on the corner of their blanket. They get even more angry if you make them sit down when they want to be standing. I am not sure how many times I said, "Keep your hands to yourself." Sometimes I feel two steps away from implementing "camp rules." I could be the mom with the mini van and the snazzy song. I clap the first verse; they clap the second verse as they line up behind me. Im not sure if my mind is slowly slipping away or if that really is a good idea. If we do have a family line-up song, do we have to wear fanny packs while we do it or matching family shirts? While I thought this over, the boys ate lunch. I started loading the dishwasher and got distracted. D broke an ornament and cried when I threw the smashed ornament away (he didnt even get in trouble; it really was an accident). I comforted him and resorted-- again-- to bribery. "Do you want a piece of cinnamon bread?" Ornament instantly forgotten.

After lunch and bribery snack, I told the toddlers it was diaper time. C ran full speed in the other direction. O, ever the listener, started crying as he walked towards me. I laid him on the floor to change his diaper, wiping his nose first which made him so angry he held his breath. So far weve had a handful of breath holding incidents between both toddlers (my oldest was a relentless breath holder-- multiple incidents every day). O turned blue from head to toe. I thought he was going to pass out, as D often did, but I manged to distract him right before (blew in his face). During his exhausted post-breath holding whimpering, I quickly changed his diaper then gave him extra hugs. He pushed away from me and ran toward the toy bin, laughing loudly as he dashed. From one emotion to the next... Now to find C to change his diaper. C had actually climbed into a kitchen cabinet and was laughing maniacally. I could almost interpret the laughs, "Shell never find me here! I just got out of diaper changing and nap!" After wrestling with him through a diaper change, both toddlers were finally ready for nap, something neither of them wanted to do. No matter how often I explain to the boys that loud crying over naptime only makes me feel that naptime is more necessary, they still cry loudly when I say naptime. So off we went. C throwing himself flat on his face every couple steps to show me how much he didnt need a nap and O obediently following me down the hallway while he cried.

Now that both toddlers are down for nap, Im looking around the house thinking, "Where to begin?" I have a load of laundry in the dryer. I have a sink full of lunch dishes. I  have piles of mail and papers to go through, stacked on every surface in my office area. D wants me to sit on the couch and snuggle him while we watch a movie. And our calendar is just full. Every day we have something else going on. I was looking at childrens books the other day and realized I havent done reading lessons with D since before Thanksgiving. Our days just slip by! I really do think this is a fun age. These boys make me laugh out loud all the time. (Even when they are misbehaving because, sometimes, it really just is too cute.) I think this age would be even "funner" if I could clone myself for the holiday season. My hubby and I could go to the preschool production while Mommy Clone 1 stayed home with C for naptime while Mommy Clone 2 took O to the pediatrician. This 1:1 ratio would also be ideal for those toddler temper tantrums...

On the plus side, the hubby is officially on holiday break tomorrow. I cant wait to be spoiled this coming month with an extra pair of hands around the house all day. Thank you, STA-21.

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during pregnancy weight loss plan | Neverland

during pregnancy weight loss plan

 

 

First, to my momma, do not read this blog post.

For the rest of you, having your second (or second and third) child is not at all like having your first. Some things just are different. For the longest time with our first, I felt like we were "playing house." We had this little baby to dress up and bring places with us-- just dont drop him (for those of you who had to take care of "egg babies" in health class). When our next children arrived, we felt like we had the newborn thing down. We knew about late night feedings, nap schedules, and telling the grandparents--again-- that we do not want to put rice cereal in the bottle. (The confusing thing, for us, is that we had twins... a little different than having a singleton.) But we knew how to take care of a newborn and we knew what to expect from each newborn phase. Naturally, this made us actually enjoy some of the newborn phases. "Some" being the operative word. I cannot imagine anyone saying, "Wow, last night was a blast. Our newborns cried from 5 pm all the way until bedtime. It was a great time." We knew that those endless late night feedings were not actually forever, no matter how exhausting they were for the first couple months. We knew that eventually the newborn phase would be over and eventually just the simple act of laying a hand on their back wouldnt be as soothing as it was. When people told us to enjoy it now because it goes so fast, we agreed. I cant imagine how quickly the rest of their lives will go. Suddenly we have a four-year old. If four-years flew by, how quickly will ten? Fifteen? Twenty? Thirty? How does my mom feel with two daughters producing grandchildren? How does my granny feel holding her great-grand babies? It feels like yesterday we brought D home from the hospital. Now he is a big bad preschooler with two little brothers.

But other things are different as well. I remember taking D to the soft play area when he was a toddler. I walked next to him, helping him climb up the obstacles and down the slide. I made sure he didnt put anything unsavory in his mouth and sanitized his hands before he could touch his face. Fast forward to our play area trips now: a four-year old and two toddlers. While D is ripping his shoes off and running towards the slide, C is high tailing it to the climbing wall and O is attempting to eat every neglected shoe he can find. Meanwhile Im standing forgotten by the stroller holding the hand sanitizer. It just doesnt go according to plan anymore.

There is slew of other things. Not that I was ever exceptionally embarrassed when my child acted out in public, but now it takes a lot for me to feel embarrassed by our circus. There is, truly, only so much behavior that is within my control. Some things were so hard for me the first time around. For instance, the battles that toddlers will pick-- like, every battle they could possibly pick, they do. I didnt know why he wanted to make our day that much more difficult. Now I know toddlers just enjoy the fight. Weve also learned a lot about different strokes for different folks. What worked with our first, might not work for our second or third. Weve also learned that some of our boys are exceptionally stubborn (I have no clue where they got that from...). Weve also learned that some of our boys are exceptionally soft hearted, in some areas more than areas. While we have to sternly tell C and D "no" over and over again, telling O to please stop will do the trick.

This is the part that I really dont want my mom to read. Sometimes we just want to enjoy their childhood. We know how fast they go from toddler to preschooler now. Sometimes we just want to bask in the total outrageousness of toddlerhood, even if that means throwing some of the rules out the window. No, they cant throw in the house, but, tonight, he just looks so darn cute chucking the jingle bell ornament he stole off the Christmas tree... Its even slid over to our parenting of D. We love the things he says, his little views of the world, how he feels about things. Sometimes we would rather ignore the clock and let him talk the night away. (Dont get ideas that we dont enforce law and order. I said sometimes.)

There have been many ah-ha moments along this journey from adolescence to adulthood when I realized why my parents made the decisions they did. My parents still call my youngest sister "the baby," something us three older siblings roll our eyes at. As a child, I often felt this was totally, 100% unfair. To this day, I am convinced that while I was in school, my grandmother and mother were out spoiling my youngest sister. (I swear she had a new toy every time I came home.) Now Im the mom. Maybe my granny did dedicate her time to buying my youngest sister ToysRUs. I dont know, but I really dont care. I know why she did. Childhood is fleeting. It is here one minute and gone the next.

Everyday I have to let go a little more, let my oldest test the world around him a little more, assert himself a little more. I was the mom that cried, "Hes going to be going away to college soon!" when he took his first steps. It feels just around the corner, him becoming a man, not needing me to kiss every owie and boo-boo. What happens when my kisses dont make it all better? Or he doesnt sigh deeply and walk up to me whining, "Momma, I want cuddles..."? Im not ready to let that all go yet. I dont know when I will be. For now, I want to enjoy childhood. Lets play dress up and spoil the kids. Lets turn a blind eye on really long afternoons, let them stay up on a Friday night for a Christmas special. Lets have popcorn and cheese sticks for lunch. Lets hug it out and lay on the floor talking about what we want to be when we grow up.

But, whatever we do, lets not grow up yet.

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weight loss during first month pregnancy | Holiday worries

weight loss during first month pregnancy

Its Christmas Eve and Im loving it. Im cooking our Christmas Eve feast right now, where we celebrate Jesus birthday and spend time together as a family, eating cookies, watching holiday movies, eating more sweets, and playing games. I love this time of year and Im loving it this year, being home for Christmas and embarking on our own family traditions.

With all that said, Im feeling a little down. I keep getting these emails from baby sites (that I keep unsubscribed from!) about the progress of our 4-month old baby, the baby that was never born. Our baby would be 4 or 5-months now (since Ive never made it to full term). We would be getting past the constant feeding newborn stage and into the fun interaction stage. We would (most likely) be done having children. We would have a nursery set up in this house. We would be celebrating Babys first Christmas. Perhaps Im just looking on Facebook at my friends pictures of their babies first Christmases, but I know Im not the only one who feels this way (read Keep Calm and Have a Cosmos latest blog post "The Breathings of my Heart").

This past week at church we obviously talked about Jesus birth. The pastor incorporated this verse into his message, Philippians 4:6-7:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians is my absolute favorite book of the Bible. I could (and sometimes do) read that book everyday and feel just as encouraged as the first time I read it. This week, it was such a pleasant surprise to hear those verses discussed at a pre-Christmas service. I really felt like God was reaching out to me, inviting me to hand him those worries that have been pressing on my heart.

Worry #1: I worry that we will continue to have miscarriages. Two of my four pregnancies have ended in a miscarriage, one of them being a partial molar pregnancy. (Yikes!) How will my next pregnancy turn out? Could I handle another miscarriage?

Worry #2: I worry that there will be an even bigger age gap between our 2.5 year old toddlers and our next baby. Our oldest was 2.5 years old when our twins were born and I thought that was a big difference. I always wanted our kids close together in age... but I cant seem to control this at all.

Worry #3: I worry that the timing is all wrong for our next pregnancy. With our last pregnancy, we knew my husbands schedule. We knew where we would be living. Now... not so much. In about 6 months, his schedule is totally up in the air. He could be in Connecticut for 3 months unaccompanied. He could be in rotating shift work in South Carolina as he goes through prototype. We could all be moving to upstate New York for him to go through prototype there... There are so many possibilities, none of them even remotely solid. Who knows? (Read "STA-21 Officers Program.")

I need to hand all these over to God. I need to give all these things to him. The next verses in Philippians go on to tell us what we should think about, Philippians 4:8-9:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I find worry to be a hard state to be in. There isnt a clear adversary. You dont really have something tangible to be concerned about... You just have these thoughts in your head that keep you from fully being in the present. Thoughts that disrupt your peace and keep you from presenting your concerns to God. I hold onto these things and feel that if I keep them close, I might somehow be able to prevent them from happening or might somehow be able to change something. But I cant. I mean, my second worry, the age gap... What can I do about that? The time has come and passed. Nothing can change that. Why do I worry about it?

Whenever I think about worrying and handing my worries over to God, I think about the verses in Matthew. Matthew 6:25-27:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat and drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds in the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

To me the those verses speak of the futility of worrying. Why should I worry when I can hand these concerns to God, God who can answer these prayers?

Philippians 1:27a says, "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ." Paul says "whatever happens." Not "when good things happen" or "when bad things happen you get a pass" or any of that. Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. I know Ive talked about that verse before. I love that verse. I have it written in the front of my Bible and for a long time, hanging on my bathroom mirror. It comforts me. It gives me hope that I can, no matter what, bring glory to God no matter what my circumstances. Praising God is not contingent on my life circumstances or if things are going my way or if Im where I want to be or if I miss my family or my friends. Praising God is not contingent on whether Ive "moved on" from this last miscarriage.

I feel like I keep having to remind myself of this. I pray and pray about this. I give God this. And then something happens-- an unexpected bill from the hospital for the D&C, a question from a doctor on my pregnancy history, a major holiday we arent celebrating with our longed for newborn-- and Im back on my knees, full of heartache. Im so thankful that through this I have a personal God, a God who listens. A God who sent his son to earth to die for our sins and redeem me so that one day I can praise him in person, joining him in heaven.

Isaiah 9:6-7

For to us a child is born,

to us a son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the greatness of his government and peace

there will be no end.

He will reign on Davids throne

and over his kingdom,

establishing and upholding it

with justice and righteousness

from that time on and forever.

The zeal of the Lord Almighty

will accomplish this.?

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